Walls

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Today is Easter and the sound of the rain falling to the earth is therapeutic to my soul. I feel comforted. I don’t feel so alone when the rain comes. It’s like nature puts a blanket of water around me, telling me every thing’s going to be alright. Nature has a way of giving me what I need at just the right moment sometimes.

I went Tanyard Creek this morning. It’s an overcast morning. Rainy and drizzly. I love days like these.

I’m more contemplative.

I find out new things about myself on days like today.

Tanyard Creek is a place my family and I came to many years ago to capture some family moments.

We took family photos. My mom, dad, brother, sister, brother & law and neice were all here. We were together. We were a family. Not perfect by any means, but a family unit nonetheless.

I feel grateful for these memories I hold in my heart. Times may not have been the best, but we made it through and kept on keepin’ on anyway.

Memories like these can be bittersweet though. My parents are going through rough times now. They are no longer together. My family just feels broken. And I guess it is, in a way. And it makes me feel sad.

And angry.

And frustrated.

Sometimes I just want to give up. It’s hard. Life is just hard sometimes.

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I stood in the rain with my hot cup of tea and watched the water trickle down the rocks. I listened to the waterfall up ahead and sat there in the moment. I experienced it for what it was. I was present in my moment and allowed myself to feel whatever emotions came up. I did not turn them away or ignore them. I invited the pain, the laughter, the tears. Whatever I needed to feel and experience, I allowed it.

I cried. I longed for the comforts of my past and for security in my future.

I’m going through a confusing time in my own life, trying to decide what I want and how I’m going to get it. My marriage isn’t what I want it to be. My siblings and I are growing up and finding out that life isn’t always pleasant. In fact, life is full of growing pains. The general pains of every day life.

I discovered something today: In the midst of my overwhelmingly emotional experience, I came to realize something about myself. I’ve put such an effort to be so tough. To be so “okay” that I started building walls.

I began to build walls around my heart.

I put up a defense so I couldn’t get hurt. (It hurts to get hurt.)

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And as I stood there in my moment, I listened to a song. It spoke directly to my soul.

These words were meaningful to me:

“Hello my old heart, it’s been so long
Since I’ve given you away

And every day
I add another stone
to the walls I’ve built around you
to keep you safe..

..Nothing lasts forever
Some things aren’t meant to be
But you’ll never find the answers
Until you set your old heart free…”

So today I decided to set my old heart free.

I cried, and I set my old heart free.

So I ask you the question: What do you need to set free in your own life?

Thanks for reading friend. I love you.

Peace & Love,
❤ Brittany

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6 thoughts on “Walls

  1. Oh sister.. you’ve put into words what my heart feels. I always keep the pictures from that day in a frame. You are right, it wasn’t perfect, but for the Bradbury’s, it was. although we have these growing pains, I’m glad we are not alone with them. I envy you and your ability to put your walls up but yet being vulnerable enough to let them get broken back down. I love you so much. Myself and all of my kids are so blessed to have such a beautiful soul to look up to. I love you huckleberry.. tut

  2. Your thoughts were deep and profound as I would expect from my daughter. I love you so much and I feel and share your emotional moments. The only family that is perfect is Gods family, but I felt like we had the perfect earthly family with you kids along with a doting, loving, and very protective mom. Anyone that knows us understands how I feel and what I would give for one more day at “Tanyard Creek”. Just know that anything is possible with God who created all things. Our God gives us the freedom and ability to choose his way which though has mountains and valleys leads to a happy ending if we remain with him and not leave or give up the fight. I just cant add anything to a perfect and complete thought of what you said. I can honestly say that I love “ALL” of you and Im proud and grateful that God gave me a wife and you three remarkable children that I continue to learn from. There is not an hour that goes by that I do not think about the “Sunshine Family”. My advice is to Love and do whatever it takes to get to the light at the end of the tunnel….that place is called Heaven 🙂 Love always…Daddio

  3. Brittany. I enjoyed your openness in your blog. I’m compelled to make a comment. I hope that that is ok. Kind of wierd and unbalanced, but I feel both empathy and envy at the same time. Empathy because I have been through similar mental and emotional stresses and strains that you seem to be going through right now. Envy because of the growth opportunity and possible life change that is available in your future. People say that ‘Everything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ I disagree. Everything that doesn’t kill you can also make you weaker. Because of lifestyle choices I made four years ago, every day in my life is filled with JOY and PEACE that I never imagined existed! These are some choices that I made and I hope that sharing them will have some value to someone.
    – Understand that you are UNIQUE. There is NO one else exactly like you. IT’S OK TO BE YOU EXACTLY THE WAY THAT YOU ARE.
    – Be TOTALLY honest with yourself about who you are vs who you want to be, what you are vs what you want to be, what you feel vs what you don’t feel, where you are vs where you want to be.
    – Eat healthy, exercise, sleep well.
    – Dont be afraid to get lost. I have learned SO much from getting lost because I have experienced so many things that I wouldn’t have known about had I not gotten lost. Most were good but very few were not.
    – Don’t be afraid to make a change in jobs or a move to a different place.
    – Don’t be afraid to wander with no particular destination in mind.
    – Be realistic enough to know that life it’s heartaches. People will disappoint us and we will disappoint people. Forgive EVERYBODY and expect NOTHING in return. That one’s tough.
    – As much as its up to you, live in peace with EVERYONE.
    – Find someone you trust that will tell you the TRUTH about yourself, in love, even though it might hurt. That someone is hardly ever your parents or your closest friends.
    – Do something crazy that appears to make no sense. Make it your choice and do it anyway. Criticism will come.

    • Wow. Thank you Manny. I am so thankful for your willingness to share your experiences and life lessons. I love your advice, and I plan to put some of it into practice today. I am always open to comments, so thank you so much for your input! You have brought light into my life today. I love you, friend!

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