It was a rough morning.
And I don’t like rough mornings.
The underlying factor: I’m delusional.
I’ve somehow deluded myself with the belief that each and every moment can be “perfect.”
And “perfect” in the way that I define it.
Perfection (to me) = Getting my way always (just the way I want it) & believing people should be who and what I want them to be (Not who they truly are.)
Right? You’re probably thinking I’m some pathetic & crazy lunatic by now.
And that’s fine.
I’m okay with that.
You are free to make your own judgements.
In fact, you’re free to decide for yourself whether or not you want to read further. After all, you can close this tab at any moment you choose to.
You have my full permission. 😉
Ah, so I see you’re still with me.
Good. You’re in luck!
You’ll get to dive deep with me into my personal life, so get excited..
(More like: “Prepare yourself. Danger zone ahead.”)
So the reason I’m writing this is to you is because I didn’t feel loved today.
In fact, a lot of times I don’t “feel” loved.
This is MY personal weakness: Looking outwards for fulfillment that only I can give myself.
Looking outward for acceptance, approval, love, joy. Looking outward to others to define me. To tell me I’m beautiful. To tell me I’m sexy. To want me. To crave my presence. To obsess over me.
I was in a losing battle in an effort to “find” more love. Through hugs, through kisses, through sexual intimacy. Through kind and loving words.
I secretly was hoping my husband could fill the void, but that turned out messy. (And it’s impossible for anyone to fill my personal void anyway, so it’s only natural that I wouldn’t get what I was looking for.)
Over the years, my definition of love has gotten a bit…skewed.
I’ve figured out that in order for me to feel loved, DEEP DOWN, outside elements must be involved.
Somewhere down the line, I have learned through my own experience in personal relationships that Sex and Love are equal. That LOVE = SEX. And oh, just how far off I am from the truth. It’s no wonder I’m so miserable sometimes.
So back to today: It seemed that the more I went out in search for more love, & the harder I tried to get it, the farther away from it I became. Now how about that to start off your morning?
“Another cup of tea, please.”
What a sad picture.
Pretty girl. Sitting outside on a magically beautiful Autumn morning. Watching the sun rise above the horizon. The cool breeze caressing her face as the warmth of the first rays of sunlight kiss her cheeks.
Drenched in tears wishing that she could just feel happy. And loved. Alive. Beautiful.
She feels no happiness.
She feels empty. Alone.
What she doesn’t realize is that there’s magic all around her.
Beauty and awe right before her eyes.
But it’s not enough.
It’s never enough.
There can always be MORE.
And all the while, the universe is giving her all the love and abundance she could ever ask for.
But she still goes out in search for something better, when the best is right here. Now.
In this present moment.
This picture sounds a bit like my entire life. Because it is my life. I am constantly on the lookout to get MORE. Like my life depends on it.
I’m not happy until I get more of whatever I want. And if I don’t get it, I throw a fit.
Sounds a bit ungrateful, yeah?
Not to mention a painful existence.
But pain is a wonderful teacher. It hurts in the moment, but provides absolute freedom in the end.
If you use the pain to keep moving forward. To become better.
…to be continued