“Another cup of tea, please.” (Part 1)

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It was a rough morning.

And I don’t like rough mornings.

The underlying factor: I’m delusional.

I’ve somehow deluded myself with the belief that each and every moment can be “perfect.”

And “perfect” in the way that I define it.

Perfection (to me) = Getting my way always (just the way I want it) & believing people should be who and what I want them to be (Not who they truly are.)

“WOW.”

Right? You’re probably thinking I’m some pathetic & crazy lunatic by now.

And that’s fine.

I’m okay with that.

You are free to make your own judgements.

In fact, you’re free to decide for yourself whether or not you want to read further. After all, you can close this tab at any moment you choose to.

You have my full permission. 😉


Ah, so I see you’re still with me.

Good. You’re in luck!

You’ll get to dive deep with me into my personal life, so get excited..

(More like: “Prepare yourself. Danger zone ahead.”)


So the reason I’m writing this is to you is because I didn’t feel loved today.

In fact, a lot of times I don’t “feel” loved.

This is MY personal weakness: Looking outwards for fulfillment that only I can give myself.

Looking outward for acceptance, approval, love, joy. Looking outward to others to define me. To tell me I’m beautiful. To tell me I’m sexy. To want me. To crave my presence. To obsess over me.

I was in a losing battle in an effort to “find” more love. Through hugs, through kisses, through sexual intimacy. Through kind and loving words.

I secretly was hoping my husband could fill the void, but that turned out messy. (And it’s impossible for anyone to fill my personal void anyway, so it’s only natural that I wouldn’t get what I was looking for.)

Over the years, my definition of love has gotten a bit…skewed.

I’ve figured out that in order for me to feel loved, DEEP DOWN, outside elements must be involved.

Somewhere down the line, I have learned through my own experience in personal relationships that Sex and Love are equal. That LOVE = SEX. And oh, just how far off I am from the truth. It’s no wonder I’m so miserable sometimes.


So back to today: It seemed that the more I went out in search for more love, & the harder I tried to get it, the farther away from it I became. Now how about that to start off your morning?

“Another cup of tea, please.”

“Thank you.”


perfection-quote


What a sad picture.

Pretty girl. Sitting outside on a magically beautiful Autumn morning. Watching the sun rise above the horizon. The cool breeze caressing her face as the warmth of the first rays of sunlight kiss her cheeks.

Drenched in tears wishing that she could just feel happy. And loved. Alive. Beautiful.

She feels no happiness.

She feels empty. Alone.

What she doesn’t realize is that there’s magic all around her.

Beauty and awe right before her eyes.

But it’s not enough.

It’s never enough.

There can always be MORE.

And all the while, the universe is giving her all the love and abundance she could ever ask for.

But she still goes out in search for something better, when the best is right here. Now.

In this present moment.


This picture sounds a bit like my entire life. Because it is my life. I am constantly on the lookout to get MORE. Like my life depends on it.

I’m not happy until I get more of whatever I want. And if I don’t get it, I throw a fit.

Sounds a bit ungrateful, yeah?

Not to mention a painful existence.


But pain is a wonderful teacher. It hurts in the moment, but provides absolute freedom in the end.

If you use the pain to keep moving forward. To become better.

…to be continued

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Glistening in the sunshine

Photo courtesy of: bugguide.net

Photo courtesy of: bugguide.net

She catches my eye.

Poor little thing, fluttering her wings in a desperate attempt to turn over.

To fly away.

But she doesn’t. She can’t.

My heart.

I go to the table.

Hold out my finger.

“Ahh, safety,” she tells me.

My arms are filled with towels just folded.

I hurriedly place them onto the floor.

Baby needs to go home. Outside.

Fresh air awaits her. Nourishment.

I open the door. Cradle her in my hands.

I care so deeply for this creature, and we’ve only just met.

My heart grows bigger.

I place her onto a blade of grass.

She’s having a hard time. Fluttering those wings as fast as they can possibly go.

Slipping and fumbling around.

I place my finger out again.

“Ahh, safety. Thank you,” she tells me again.

I cradle her in my hands once more.

I search frantically for a safe place to deliver my new friend.

She’s so beautiful.

I’ve never seen anything like this before.

I walk to the garden bed.

No.

Too dirty, not safe enough. Sharp plant matter, stems of once blossoming life, now a harsh wasteland.

I place my hands out in front of me.

hands

I hold her out into the sunshine.

A light breeze passes by.

Her courage finds her.

And off she goes.

Glistening in the rays of light with every movement of her wings.

“Ahh, safety.” I think to myself. “Good bye, friend. It was a pleasure meeting you.”


A bird. On a chain-link fence.

Watching.

He swoops down.

Misses.

“Whew!” I think.

I call out to the bird:

“No! Come on, don’t eat her!”

But it didn’t matter what I wanted.

Nature doesn’t care. Nature does what it will, because it can.

Because it has to.

And my friend was no more.


I guess that’s the irony in things.

In life.

When I try to manipulate a situation, or map out the “master plan,” I come to realize just how little say I actually DO have after all.

I love life.

I don’t take joy in watching living beings die. Disappear from my sight. Their souls no longer captivating me from within the earthly shell we all take on in this life.

Nature has a way about itself.

Am I angry at the bird? Well, maybe I was a little at first.

I saw the bird as a predator. A murderer. Mean, and evil for wanting to take the life that I felt so strongly for.

But I realized something.

We are all here for a purpose.

The purpose of my “saving a life” was to give that life to another living being, who needed that life to survive.

And the purpose of my tiny friend was to in fact GIVE her life, in order for the cycle to go on.


Just like Albert Einstein figured out many years ago: Like really does attract like.

And life GIVES life.

So:

“You’re welcome, bird. I hope you live a long and prosperous life.”

“And to my new found friend, rest in peace you sweet soul. You are beautiful.”


Thank you friend for reading! Feel free to comment or reach out. To share whatever comes up for you while reading this. I love you.

With a ton of joy and love and life,
❤ Brittany

Disempowering Beliefs — Will you tolerate them any longer?

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(Writing this on August 2, 2015)

So I had a slight melt down last night. No, let me re-word that, I literally BROKE DOWN last night. Like, all barriers. Gone.

Like, I was super vulnerable, and super scared and I didn’t know how to stop the whirlwind of emotion that was coming upon me.

I’ve been reading lately that it’s best to just sit with my feelings and emotions that I’m feeling instead of push them away.

To stop resisting uncomfortable or painful feelings and to really sit with them and FEEL them.

Recognize that they exist. That they are coming up for a reason.

So. I sat.

And I cried.

No, in fact, I BALLED MY EYES OUT.

And my best friend was there to hold me all the way through it. ( ❤ Thanks Nathan, you're a great friend & husband.)

I told Nathan what I was feeling and it went something like this:

“I’m scared. Like, really scared. I’m afraid that I’m never going to be grounded. I just want to be grounded. I want to know that I can support myself. That I’ll have enough money to provide for myself. I want to know that I’ll be able to eat my next meal. I’m afraid of not succeeding. I don’t believe in myself. I’m afraid I can’t do it. Afraid of failing and never being independent.”

That’s when the coach in him came out. Almost instantly.

He questioned me about what I really want in life.

And I had no idea. I had NO IDEA what I wanted for MY OWN LIFE!

He told me he had recently read in Anthony Robbins’ book Awaken The Giant Within about disempowering beliefs.

He gave me some suggestions on how to overcome these feelings and emotions that were coming up for me.

How to battle my fears and conquer them once and for all.

He went to the bedroom and retrieved his book. Then he read from it, helping me to gain clarity on the exercise I was about to do that would FOREVER CHANGE MY LIFE.

He had me get out a sheet of paper.

Draw a line down the middle.

Label one side of the column: Empowering Beliefs

Label the other side: Disempowering Beliefs

Then, set a timer for 12 minutes.

To write out ALL beliefs I had, empowering and disempowering both, and once the timer goes off to stop writing.

SO I did it.

And a lot came out.

More disempowering beliefs than empowering, but I had a good amount of both.

Then he had me circle the top 3 most empowering beliefs I had written down.

He then had me circle the top 2 most disempowering beliefs.

Then, I was to set another timer, for 2-5 minutes and write out why my 2 disempowering beliefs were false. (Because they most certainly always will be.)

This is called “kicking the legs out from underneath our disempowering beliefs.” Kick the legs out, then turn it around.

Then I was to write out why the exact opposite is true, and even truer for myself.

For example —

My top 2 disempowering beliefs were:

1. I can’t take care of myself.
2. I’m not good enough.

So I wrote out why BOTH BELIEFS are totally & absolutely preposterous.

FALSE.

For your eternal benefit, I decided to type out and publish here in this blog post an exact word-for-word copy of what I wrote on my paper yesterday. If you’re interested in knowing what came up for me, read on!


If I don’t eliminate these ridiculous beliefs from my life, I will be broke, dissatisfied with my life, and will not be proud of myself. I deserve MORE for my life. I am SO INCREDIBLY smart, intelligent, and ABLE to do anything I could ever dream of or imagine!!

When I get down on myself and believe these thoughts, I take away my inner fire. My drive. My essence and life. I am good enough. In fact I’M MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH. I’m GREAT! I am enough!!

Reasons that PROVE I’m good enough and can take care of myself:

1. I didn’t know how to play piano with the band, but then I just jumped in and started playing. I learned, on the spot, no lessons! Now I know most of the songs and am SO MUCH BETTER! In fact, I’m starting to sound pretty damn good!

2. I didn’t know how to be a health coach and then I just did it! Like…I did that! I have a business now!

3. I didn’t know how to build a website, but then..BAM! I did it! With no outside help other than internet articles.

4. I was afraid of cutting my hair, but then..BAM! I did it! And now I LOVE it!

5. I didn’t know how to be a vegan and give up all my favorite foods and change my lifestyle, but then once I committed to it, BAM! I haven’t gone back since! And I’m so much healthier for it too!

6. I didn’t believe I could quit smoking and then..BAM! I just DID IT! And I haven’t smoked since!

So let’s turn this around..

I CAN take care of myself! Because I’m JUST GOING TO DO IT.

I AM good enough! In fact I’m MORE than enough! I can do this.


So what are your limiting and disempowering beliefs about yourself?

Will you tolerate these lies any longer, or do you wish to rid them of your life completely?

I challenge you to draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper.

Sit down for 12 minutes and list out on one side of the page your EMPOWERING beliefs about yourself and life, and on the other side list out your DISEMPOWERING beliefs.

Circle the top 2 DISEMPOWERING beliefs and knock the legs out from under them.

PROVE your disempowering beliefs WRONG. Burn them to the ground.

Then turn them around. Write for 2 minutes why the opposite is true. Create EMPOWERING beliefs from the disempowering ones.

Find freedom. Be amazing. Change your life for the better. BECOME YOUR BEST SELF.

I love you!

Kisses and hugs & lots and lots of love,
❤ Brittany

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My apology letter to the world

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An apology letter to the world:

This letter was inspired from the feedback I got from sending emails to people that are close to me and that really know me. I sent out an email asking what my weaknesses and less strong points in life are, and got some amazing feedback.

Thank you to those who were involved! You are the greatest.


This letter goes out to all my friends, coworkers, colleagues, ex-boyfriends, acquaintances, and people I’ve never met yet. This is for all those times when I was a bear to be around, or someone you couldn’t trust.

This letter is to you.


I would like to formally apologize if I have ever, in the history of my life EVER offended you, hurt your feelings (intentionally OR unintentionally), or made negative & judgmental comments about you or anyone else.

I apologize for all the times I’ve been in my “extreme behavior modes,” where I was so extremely passionate about something that I got all up in your face about it, causing you to feel uncomfortable or awkward.

I’m sorry for all the times that I was so depressed and down on myself that I wasn’t there for you emotionally and spiritually.

I apologize for talking bad behind your back or for cursing you out during my crazy teenage years.

I’m sorry for being so selfish at times. For throwing ‘fits’ when I don’t get what I wanted. For expecting that everyone should do things MY WAY.

I’m sorry for all the times I tried to control and manipulate you into doing something you didn’t want to do or being someone you didn’t want to be.

I’m sorry for lying to you.

I’m sorry for cheating on you, kissing another guy when I was supposed to be with you.

I’m sorry for driving angry and yelling because I was so mad. For being crazy on the road, almost causing an accident.

I’m sorry for bossing you around, & telling you what to do.

I’m sorry for being so crabby when I’m tired. Or hungry.

I’m sorry for being resentful over things that happened SO long ago.

I’m sorry that I lose my patience with you, I want to be gentle, and loving and kind (even when situations don’t go as expected.)

I’m sorry that I had such high expectations of you that I nit-picked your life and made you feel like you weren’t good enough. You ARE good enough. You are MORE than enough.

I’m sorry for the times that I read into things too much and interpret things the way you don’t intend for me to. For distorting the truth along the way because of my insecurities or pre-judgements about you and your personality.

I’m sorry for ASSUMING. A lot. I understand that I don’t know, unless I know. I guess I just think I’m smart enough to come to those conclusions on my own. And I’m wrong. A lot.

I’m sorry for not admitting that I’m wrong.

I’m sorry for being so insecure. For lacking confidence when I know I’m better than that.

I’m sorry for not caring about how you feel sometimes, for caring more about my feelings, how I feel, and what I need.

I’m sorry for not being as generous as I want to be deep down.

I’m sorry for smothering you.

I’m sorry for not being a great friend sometimes, for not checking up on you as much as I want to and know I need to.

I’m sorry for not talking to you for 2 years. You are an AMAZING friend. It was just really hard for me. I know you understand, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I know it hurt you.

I’m sorry for not standing up for you. I wanted to but I was too scared.

I’m sorry for allowing fear to keep me from doing amazing things. From trusting you with my whole heart. Getting hurt hurts.

I’m sorry for stealing your money. I knew it was wrong, but I felt like I deserved it. I rationalized it with that clever mind of mine, but I really regret doing that. I learned my lesson though, and I haven’t taken anything that wasn’t mine since that day.

I’m sorry for not being genuine. For not having integrity.

I’m just sorry for it all.


If I could take it all back, I would. But it’s impossible, so I can’t. I can’t take away your pain. I can’t take back the words that I said, or the mean looks I gave.

But there is one thing I can do— And that is: I can do better from this day forward.

Every day we are forced to make choices. To make decisions.

And sometimes we make the right ones, and other times we don’t.

Sometimes we’re less careful, less cautious.

We hurt the people we love most.

There’s freedom in that though. We can learn from all of it!

That’s what we do: Learn from the tough stuff, learn from the great stuff, and then do the best we can with what we’ve got.

I hope this letter can serve as an inspiration for us all to do better. To give more. To be more.

To try to improve at least 1% each day.

That way, we can be 360% better in one year. Now THAT’S exciting!

What would our world look like if we all just tried to make our lives and the lives of others better?

Perhaps our world would become a more positive & encouraging place. People helping people.


And now I’d like to thank you.

Thank you for still being my friend.

Thank you for still believing in me.

Thank you for your forgiveness and for your kindness.

But most of all, thank you for your love.

Without you, my life just wouldn’t be the same.

So, thank you for being a part of my life.

Thank you for sticking by my side, even when I’m not my best self at times.

Thank you for being you.

I love you.


Thank you so much for reading my words. Feel free to comment, sharing your opinions or what comes up for you. Talk to you soon!

With super-charged gratitude, grace, and inner peace,
❤ Brittany