So It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been doing a lot of work.
I currently have 2 jobs, so putting in a lot of hours doing that..but I’ve also been doing a lot of work internally. Work on myself. Work that requires alone time, just sitting and being.
Being alone with my thoughts, noticing them, questioning them, allowing them to come and go with no attachment. (And it’s much harder than it sounds, in case you were wondering! 🙂 )
So I’ve been feeling really scared.
Uneasy. My stomache is in knots. My chest hurts. My head feels light and dizzy. I feel this constant stress on my body and I don’t know why.
I keep thinking that maybe it’s my thoughts, or maybe it’s that I’m not where I should be in my life right now, or perhaps my body is preparing me for something GREAT that will happen in the not-too-distant-future.
Perhaps since I’m going through so much change, it’s just inevitable that physical symptoms would be a part of my spiritual human journey on this planet.
Whatever the case, I’m feeling lots of uncomfortable things. And most of the time now I just sit with it. I used to (as of 2 days ago, haha) get really nervous that my health was declining and that I’ll land myself in the hospital from a panic attack or my body just shutting down in some form..
But not today.
Today is different.
I feel grounded. I feel strong. I feel like I’m just where I need to be to learn what I need to learn.
But it’s super uncomfortable. Like, right now as I’m writing this, I have pain in my back, in my head, on my chest, in my feet, and an overall stressful, heavy feeling in my body. But I’m not freaking out. I’m okay. I’m not dying, and I haven’t died yet. I’m just noticing.
I do feel a twinge of fear for the future, mainly because I don’t want to screw up anything in it, but I know logically that there’s no such thing.
(I have perfectionist tendencies and this idea of perfection has been running my life for a very long time. But I’m in a continual state of giving it up. Everything is already perfect just the way it is. Even the messiness of this human-life. Humanity is beautiful. And absolutely perfect, even in the chaos. Especially in the chaos.)
My body and my spirit and my whole entire life are in synchronizing change at this very moment. And I am just where I need to be. It’s no wonder I’m feeling all these things in my body.
Everything is changing.
And by everything, I mean everything. My perspective of the world, my beliefs, the dynamics of my relationships, the people I choose to allow into my life..
Changes are even happening on the lower-level aspects of my life too, down to what I eat, how I dress, and how I walk.
I am showing up in the world as a different being. I can feel it.
I know I am called to a higher purpose in this life. One of love, genuinity, strength, and power that comes from within. I know I have a big job in this world during my lifetime, I just don’t know exactly what that work looks like quite yet.
And I keep getting clues, keep coming to conclusions, and keep being told to “just be patient.” That “timing is everything.” And I do believe that.
So until then.. just know that you are not alone in the struggle. You are as free as you want to be. You are as free as you believe yourself to be. You can truly do anything. And I mean that.
We’re in this together, so let’s start acting like it.
I love you,