One step at a time

Figuring it all out…
One step at a time

Feeling so stinking impatient
Just want all that’s here to be mine

“All in due time”
I hear
That’s fine

But I still want it all
And I want it to be MINE.

 

I noticed something about myself today

How I really really really really reeeeeallyy like to be
RIGHT
All the time.

My perfectionist kicks in
I feel nervous, anxious, pressured
To not mess up

To get it all right
To make it all fine

I get so obsessive
Over the silliest of things
And wanting control
To control
It all

In an act of self-preservation
I suppose
So that I don’t loose validation
Or acceptance or love

And of love
I somehow had learned
Way back when
That love was something to be earned
And could be taken
At any time

I made some connection
Somewhere back then
That if I were to make a mistake
Love could just go away

Leaving me with guilt
And shame
And blame
For hurting another
By simply learning how
To play the game

Of life of course

And it seems so silly now in my conscious
Space
Of awareness
And being-ness

But in the moment
Nerves get triggered
Sparks start to fly

Sometimes we feel like running
At others just wanna
Hide

Or scream and yell and
Cry

Life is here now.
It continues passing on by.

And I breathe in so deeply
Taking it one step at a time.

XOXO

I love you,
❤ Momma B

(photo taken on a tiny “rua” in Florianopolis, Brazil)