Motherhood: So many emotions, so many tears

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I literally don’t even know where to start.

I suppose from the beginning..

Yeah that sounds about right,

Okay.

Here goes.

 

So, as soon as I discovered I was pregnant, I could hardly believe it.

I was in total shock, so excited, so “whelmed”, a little scared shitless not knowing what to do, and at the same time a little (REALLY if I’m being completely honest) RESISTANT to the news.

I knew I’d been wanting change in my life, but of THIS kind?

And at THIS time?

And with all the other doubts and insecurities on my plate already, God/Source/Universe was choosing to add a little “me” into the mix??

LIke I said before,

I could hardly believe it.

Now, almost a year and three months after the birth of a beautiful baby girl, I am filled YET with so many emotions.

My baby is GROWING.

Multiple times A DAY I can see the tiny differences.

She’s starting to talk, saying REAL WORDS like “shoes” and “abacate” (portuguese for avocado 😀 )

She is UNDERSTANDING…
more and more
and even MORE about this now familiar,
once strange,
new world.

I burst into tears this morning.

I just couldn’t believe it…

AGAIN.

The changes.

The transformations.

The differences I am now seeing
as the days keep passing.

There is incredible JOY I find
in watching her grow
through all the phases

AND..

SO.
MUCH.
GRIEVING..

Of the little girl she was
just yesterday.

Once was still
And now is at play

I feel panic at times
A sense of loss.

Fumbling to find the right words
To fit the phrases just so

And..

Such is life, yeah?

The yin and the yang.

The highs and the lows.
The BIG and the small

Reality

That we all know.

And having a baby through it all?

Brings my life into more vivid context

Vivid form.

That which seems so complicated
Is actually far more simple

Incomprehensibly so

Life on all levels

Is

Motherhood.

Being a parent in this world,

We see the time passing by
Through our child’s eyes

We rediscover who we are
Deep down

And at the same time
Remember

That which is actually
important
For us all

Moving forward
in our lives

For life
is a rollercoaster ride

It goes UP

And side
To side

We go crazayyyy
And hold TIGHT

And along the way
A lot of things come up

Emotions to be honored
To be seen
To be accepted

In order
To
Be processed
Though

So that we may feel a bit lighter
More complete
And grounded
In our being.

So this motherhood thang?

Yeah,
It’s royally kicking me right now…

In all the best of ways.

I find and discover
new
and hidden parts
of me
that once were

And are becoming

And I’m sort of really

Loving it.

Sure, there are times of GREAT INTENSITY…
The pains
The lack of sleep
The annoyances
Miscommunications
Irritability
RAGE
Deep sorrow
And sadness
Grieving over days that are long passed

The discomforts
And pleasures of course

But it never fails
That I feel
Some sort of deep deep
GLADNESS

For GETTING to be able to
Be HONORED to
Care for
And experience deeply
A beautiful baby girl
Named Soraya Grace

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For this is the true journey
Finding our place
Among the chaos of life
Coming back
To ourselves
And discovering who we are
Once again.

So many emotions
So many tears
And I wouldn’t trade it for the world
Let’s bring on many more years..

I love you.

So much.

Never forget truly how special you are.

You were once that little babe
Still are
For you’re a STAR.

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

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