The paradox of “seeking”

It is in the seeking of intangible things that I lose myself.

I lose that which was sought after, before the search ever began. And what I’m learning, is this:

“It is only until the seeker within me rests, that I am capable of finding all that I search for.”
——-
What do I search for, you may ask?

I search for peace. All I ever want is peace.

Peace: The greatest surrender of all, simplicity from within.

That feeling inside that is calm. No anxiety. No tension. No fight.

Peace.

That feeling you get when you breathe your deepest breath. All is at ease.

Your heart is light, and all feels right in the world.

Peace.

I go in search for it, but to no avail.

Because it is in the search for that which we seek, that destroys all that we search for, before we are capable of finding it.

And overtime, I’ve found that the peace I seek can only be found in surrender. The surrender of everything, of all.

To God. To life. To all that “is.”

I write upon these pages with the utmost peace in my heart, my body and my mind.

No seeking is required.

It is our truest nature.

It is found in the “un-search.”

It is found in just being.

I’m always seeking to find.

And what I’ve found, is there be no need for seeking at all.

I love you, ❤ B.

Fear


Again it is so..

I sit here to write.

My chest, heavy.

Tight.

Tension running through my veins.

Evening closing in now, and that hyper-analytical brain of mine now moves into over-drive.

Assessing all of the day’s events that could’ve had such an effect on me.

To cause such pain in my body.

And then I realize something.

These weighted feelings in my chest, residing deep within my soul are none other than the by-product of..

FEAR.

And a fear of what you might ask?

The fear of what is to come.

Fear of the future. Fear that I won’t be successful, crippled by my own insecurities. Fear that I won’t have what it takes to handle all that comes my way.

Fear of lacking money in life, especially on upcoming travels and a fear of missing out on truly living. Fear I’m too intensely focused on being successful, “becoming a success.”

Fear I’ll miss out on what’s really important in this life. Which consists of many things including joy, life, bliss, feeling the unconditional love that resides in all things.

Fear that while I’m alive in this human form that I’ll miss out on living life to the fullest, feeling fulfilled.

A great fear that somehow “

I’m doing life wrong.”

But that leads me to ask the question, “What does living life right look like?”

And does it even exist?

These are things I contemplate during my day.

Sometimes I get so deeply entrapped within the prison of my mind that I fear I’ll never make it out alive.

That I’ll never find happiness again.

But once more, I stumble upon this blank canvas. Filled with possibility.

The tools I need to move out of imprisonment, and into freedom.

These keys.

To type.

These simple words.

And I place them on the blank canvas.

I write to tell a story. I write to tell my story.

To put thought to paper.

It’s like magic…

All of a sudden, (like the wave of a wand), the tension I once was feeling is gone.

Vanished.

And the thoughts that were once spinning circles in my mind seem to slow down.

All is quiet now.

And as the moments pass, I feel at ease.

This is the beauty of “the outlet.” Noticing which tools work best,

and using them.

So, again I write.

I write to express, I write to tell a story, I write to release those thoughts and feelings and energies that have been stored up for far too long.

In order for that future moment in time when they will need to go on to tell their story..

To be free.

To fly.

——-

You see, fear is all in the mind.

It begins as a thought, a simple chemical reaction in our brains, that then travels from the mind, and into the body.

And when this happens, we can feel a tingly sensation, a sort of tension, a heaviness. We feel weighted down, as if gravity’s pull had just increased 10-fold.

But all that can change in a second when we realize that fear isn’t as real as we’ve believed it to be at all. It feels real, but is not.

And the only way to rid the feeling of fear, is to move through it. To become friends with it.

To find our personal tool that works for us. To get that energy flowing.

And moving.

To get it out of the mind, and out of the body once and for all.

Until the next day.

You see, Steven Pressfield taught me once that we never fully “get rid of fear.” It’s always there. It always shows up at just the right time to spoil our plans, to crash the party.

But we can never let it win. For we have greater things waiting for us upon the horizon, shining bright like the sun.

Our dreams. Our destinies.

It is only when we see fear as what it truly is, that we can truly move through it. To feel that fear, and do what we’ve set out to do anyway. No matter how difficult or hard it may seem.

So I pose the question to you, the reader, my friend: What form of “fear” is showing up in your life right now?

How can you see if for what it truly is? How can you change your perspective of that fear? Turning the negative and disempowering into courageousness and tenacity?

How will you press forward in your life, calling in those fears ever more closely? Becoming friends with them in the process, in order to conquer your dreams and live life to the fullest?

Just some things to think about. 🙂

I love you.

❤ B

P.S. I think I feel better now 😉

What are we committed to?

andrew-overlook-hills

Photo Credit @ Cailin Way Photography

What am I committed to? (I ask myself.)

Am I committed to my dreams, going after my destiny, achieving all I’ve set out to achieve, create, and become?

OR…

Am I committed to my story? The internal thought battle going on in my head about how “It’s not fair! I don’t have enough money! I don’t have enough time to work on my (crossing my fingers this works) business, I can’t learn how to play the guitar, I’m not cut out for this, Why me? I’m just not good enough!”

Am I more committed to DOING what I came here to do? Or am I too busy playing victim in my own life?

These are the questions I’m chewing on at the moment.

I have these desires, and dreams, and these callings from my soul that I’m meant for something GREATER than I’m currently showing up as in my daily life right now.

So, I get to have these wonderful conversations, gut-checks really, with myself. And with you.

Here goes nothing, haha!

What are we doing with our lives?

I’ll give you two scenarios:

1. Are we simply letting life pass us by, as we tell ourselves

“Maybe later. I’ll go after my dreams later. I’ll travel later. Right now’s not the best time. I’m not ready yet. I don’t know enough yet. Once I learn how to do build a website, THEN I’ll feel like I’m able to start telling people about my goal to be an entrepreneur. Once I’m older, I’ll be wiser. I’ll know more later, Once I retire I’ll do something about it. Until then, I’m okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll think about it later.”
And then life happens. And we forget. And we let go of all the amazing visions for our lives and settle for what we have now and tell ourselves that staying here forever with no upward shift or change is “good enough.”

OR

2. Are we learning about who we are, what we want, noticing the things (fears) that we allow to get in the way of us taking action, recognizing that “with every day that passes that we’re NOT taking action, (the tiny steps forward), that we are stalling in the face of the enemy…RESISTANCE?

By taking daily calculated actions toward what we want, we grow and learn about ourselves and the true nature of the world in the process. We get EXCITED to wake up each day and DO OUR WORK. The work we were meant to do.

To love fully, with our whole hearts. To find joy in each moment, whether it’s a mini dance party in our kitchen, a walk in our neighborhood, hugging the trees, lying in the sun on a hot summer’s day, taking a warm bubble bath after a hard day’s work, preparing a nourishing and heart warming meal, watching a funny show, hearing our children at play, the sound of laughter, laughing, smelling the roses as we walk by that familiar flower cart, smelling the freshly baked bread outside of the bakery around the corner.

Which scenario do we see ourselves choosing more often on a daily basis?

Do we choose

1. RESISTANCE?

Or

2. FREEDOM?

Are we noticing what we SAY we want, and what we are ACTUALLY taking action on, and DOING on a daily basis?

Do they add up?

Do we REALLY want what we say we want? Or are we fine with simply talking about it but not doing it?
Because the truth is that in every moment, we have a choice. Period.

We have a choice as to how we respond to life as it comes. How we respond to people in difficult and trying situations. We have a choice in the foods we buy at the store and put in our bodies. We have a choice in the kinds of shows we are watching, the music we listen to, the people we surround ourselves with. We have a choice as to WHO WE BECOME.

And who we are to become is born out of our actions, born of decisions, born of beliefs, which are born of our thoughts.

So what are we doing with our thoughts?

Are we committed to staying where we are, or are we committed to growth? Are we committed to telling more people about our problems, or are we committed to solving them?

Are we committed to listening to that voice that tells us to stay small?

Or

Are we committed to acknowledging that GIANT BEAST that lives within each and every one of us, utilizing it’s power to turn the seemingly impossible into POSSIBLE?

Steven Pressfield in his book The War of Art says this:

“The amateur believes he must first overcome his fear; then he can do his work. The professional knows that fear can never be overcome. He knows there is no such thing as a fearless warrior or a dread-free artist.
What henry Fonda does, after puking into the toilet in his dressing room, is to clean up and march out onstage. He’s still terrified but he forces himself forward in spite of his terror. He knows that once he gets out into the action, his fear will recede and he’ll be okay.”

And, wow! I couldn’t have said it better myself. So..in spite of fear, I ask you the question: What life do you REALLY wish to live? What legacy do you want to leave behind?

And most importantly, with these questions in mind..”What are you committed to?”

I love you so so much!! Thank you for reading. We are in this thing together! This thing called life. And all I have to say is..WE GOT THIS!! Whoohoo!!

I’ll see you at the bakery ‘round the corner.. 😉

XOXO,

❤ B.

P.S. Thank you Alexi Panos for the consistent inspiration for this post. I love you sweet soul!!

Oh resistance, how I love you.

Resistance.

I wake to the sound of her voice every day.

She dwells within me. And tugs at my heart.

The heaviness in my chest. The lack of inspiration, motivation. Of courage, to do what I know I came to do.

Most times she wins; she never tires, and fights to the death.

Sometimes I feel like I’m dying.

But then I remember.. I’m still alive.

As I tear her claws out from under my skin, from whence they came, I feel a slight urge to give in. To give up. To accept my defeat, because in surrendering I can now rest. No longer must the fight live on.

But I don’t.

And deep down I know that I’m not defeated. That I will never accept defeat as long as I live, as long as my heart still beats, as long as I breathe.

Resistance. It never quits. And it never leaves.

——

Nearly four months ago, I wrote a blog post. Since then, I’ve had this thought, this feeling, like “What’s the point? Nobody wants to read these words anyway. I don’t feel like it. I don’t make a difference. WHO AM I?!”

And then..today.

Today, I realized that I’m going crazy without this form of expression. That I don’t have to do everything for other people. I can do it for myself.

So.

I write these pages. As a form of art. As expression, through written word.

If a person reads this, great.

If not? No problem!

Because THIS? This is a part of ME. And it’s about time I give myself permission to simply write for the sake of writing. To live for the sake of living. To share for the sake of sharing, knowing that all that moves through me is a form of art, of love.

Not so that I can “become famous” or “make a shit-load of money” or “CHANGE THE WORLD!!”

No.

None of that.

I mean, it sounds great and all…

Ambitious.

But for me, these above reasons will never be strong enough “whys.”

Because it can never BE about ME. It must be about the mission, to share what’s on my heart. To help others. To love, to serve, to grow.

It must simply be for the sake of expression. Of practicing the art and flow of life: energy in, energy out.

Make. Do. Create. Express. LIVE FULLY with no regrets.

I’m a writer. So I write. I’m a singer so I sing. I’m a child so I play, and I laugh and I find a reason to have fun.

I am an artist. And so are YOU.

Because we were created, we are creation. Therefore, we create.

It is innate within us. To form ideas and solve problems, and make babies. To prepare beautiful meals, to decorate our homes, to dress ourselves and create our own individual style.

We are creators.

We create with our thoughts- create emotions and dreams and visions of the future. We create the feeling of love in our heart, because it feels good.

And then we write about it. Talk about it. Express it in some way.

We go jogging on the beach, we dance in a rainstorm, we pray on our knees, and we sit in silence with a candle flickering in the darkness nearby.

We are creators.

We express ourselves. We live our lives to the best of our ability and through it all, resistance rests on our left shoulder…in an effort to keep us from doing what we really wish to do, becoming all that we wish to become, to creating the life that we are destined to create, and live, and thrive within.

I’m writing a blog post today. And it’s not perfect.

What the hell is “perfect” anyway?

This post is created. That in itself IS perfection. The pushing past the resistance IS the success. Knowing that resistance is right here with us as I write these words, as you read these pages…

But I’m writing them anyway.

And you’re reading them.

Every single thing that we could ever want in life is a single thought away. We think it, we plan it, we focus on it, we take action to achieve it, and eventually (never overnight) we succeed. We have completed what we set out for.

I believe it starts in becoming friends with this enemy we call “resistance,” the mother of my “un-success” in many areas of life. The voice in my head that has kept me from doing all the things I wish to do because I am afraid.

Becoming friends with resistance: inviting her in, allowing her to help in the process of doing, creating, becoming, and achieving all that we set out to do.

That is where the next step to our success lies.

We choose not to fight to the death, but to quit the fight before it even begins.

We get to fall in love..

And magic happens. Words are born onto these pages.

——

So here’s to you.

The sweet and precious one I call resistance, how I love you.

❤ B.

 

Getting older and living deeply

thedoor

Cailin Way Photography @ cailinwayphoto.com

 

So tomorrow’s my birthday.

December 18th. A week before Christmas.

Mixed emotions fill my heart and mind as I ponder about whether to be excited or simply scared to death.

As you might tell from my previous thought, I have extreme tendencies. It’s my habit to be all or nothing.

So, this life?

It’s my practice. The art of finding balance.

And oh what a practice it is.

You see, I set high expectations for myself. Having perfectionistic tendencies to top it all off, and that my friend can be a recipe for disaster.

Or not.

The reality lies in a simple matter of choice.

What do I choose?

Because in reality, life is all about choosing. We always have choice.

We may not recognize it, or be aware of it, but it’s always there. Waiting for us to choose. Then take action.

So, tomorrow’s my birthday. And I feel damn excited.

And you know why? Because I choose to be.

And all of that other stuff? The perfectionism, high expectations, anxieties and disappointments in life?

That can to go to the wind.

Because the life I choose to live is a conscious one. To be a light. To love deeply, knowing that pain will come in life no matter what because it’s life.

Pain is here to teach us something.
To give us clues as to what’s next to learn during our journey here. So why not give it all we’ve got?

I feel my experience of life continues to grow deeper by the day, I feel life intensely, wholeheartedly, fully. I know the truth of who I am. And that fear? The fears of making mistakes, the fears of not being enough, judgement and disapproval?

That fear that does so great at keeping me small?

No longer will it win.

Not if I have anything to say about it. Not here, not now.

And you know why?

Because I have a message to share.

To the WORLD.

And it’s not my message, but the absolute truth that the universe turns on in cycles as its effect.

And that message is one of love. Of light. Of abundance, and radiance!

Of life.

So, I’m getting older?

Sure.

And it’s absolutely beautiful.

Brilliant, really.

Because you know why?

Because it is. And the “isness” of this life is indeed perfection.

Absolute divine perfection.

———————

Thank you so much for reading!

Subscribe to receive updates on what I’m up to and what thoughts I’m chewing on for the moment.

Also, feel free to check out my YouTube Channel here where I post short inspirational videos, music, and other random musings: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDHpEALAPz2TCtZIFLBF0tQ

😉 Muah!

I love you,
Brittany

The freaking rainbow..

123_1

Soooo today I was ridiculous.

I mean, I believe my husband had his moments of ridiculousness too, but listen, we I started an argument while talking about a freaking rainbow.

Who does that?! (Me, that’s who.)

And I just had to keep on about it.

I am still learning how to love myself even when I find that I slip back into old patterns and behaviors, and sometimes it can be difficult for me. (My old habits run off of perfectionistic tendencies, but I have to say, I’m getting much better these days!)

So.

The story:

My husband and I were talking about a rainbow that my mom saw this morning.

She asked if I saw it.

I said “No.”

So she decided to send me a photo of it.

Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous.

The thing is, is that I got frustrated at my husband. We were talking about how my mom had sent me photo and I had to repeat something that he must’ve missed, or didn’t hear. Not a big deal really.

But my immediate brain response made it a big deal:

“Oh no! You weren’t heard! What you have to say doesn’t mean anything to him! You’re not important! He doesn’t care about you!”

So, my voice changed to a more sarcastic tone, and I repeated myself. Then I told him “I don’t feel heard.”

He walks away.

Okay, sure, whatever, maybe he needed space. Maybe he didn’t care. Who am I to know what goes through that brain of his? He just woke up anyway.

But my second-layer brain response decided to take that action (him walking away) and to apply meaning to it:

“Oh no! He doesn’t love you! He doesn’t even LIKE you anymore! He’s abandoning you! There’s no harmony! You can’t take that! Go find harmony! Your life depends on it!”

So I did. I went in search of that harmony…

And oh, did I get everything BUT harmony!!!

And the more the conversation escalated, the more hurt I felt, the more emotional I became, the more walled up he became, and it was just a mess.

Purely a mess, I tell ya. (And I thought we were over these silly disputes already..?)

Always a work in progress is correct.

And it reminds me of how our egos have a TON to tell us about “what’s next in line to be loved,” as Matt Kahn would say.

I found out MANY things about myself.

And although I would absolutely LOVE to point the finger and say all of the things I notice in HIM that HE could’ve done better, I can find changeable areas in myself first, heal those first, and then see if things like this silly argument happen again in the future.

So. What has Brittany learned today about herself today?

Well basically, everything I learned about myself that I am still ‘growing to love’ is purely universal. Meaning, we humans, collectively, have these 3 basic human needs:

1. Brittany wants to BE LOVED.

Like, this extreme need in difficult situations for others OUTSIDE of myself, the external, to show up as love in the form of smiles, hugs and “I love you’s.” Kisses are great too! 🙂 (I went outside and offered that up to myself directly after the fight, but I could’ve gone to that place sooner. I think it would’ve prevented the suffering I created for myself during the argument.)

2. Brittany wants to feel UNDERSTOOD.

I want people to see where I’m coming from, to understand WHY I feel the way I do, and to honor me in that space. (Again, I did this for myself, but sooner could’ve made me feel better for sure!)

3. Brittany wants to FEEL CONNECTED.

I feel a total disconnect with my husband when we are in disagreement. He walls up, and I fall apart.

I’d imagine it’s quite hilarious to watch! Haha 😉

But in the moment, everything feels SO. DAMN. CRUCIAL! I literally feel like there is a crisis in my body when I don’t FEEL connected to the other person.

And to myself.

Like Matt Kahn talks about in his book, Whatever Arises, Love That, it is when we abandon OURSELVES, that we feel abandoned. Although it would be nice to blame other people, our ‘problems’ never have anything to do with anyone else.

I never wish to abandon myself again.

So after multiple hours of tears, I mean literally hours straight tear rivers… And 5 hours AFTER the fight, I am moving through this.

I’ve been doing the work, psycho-analyzing myself, getting inspired and cultivating that feeling of POWER in my body, that feeling of STRENGTH in my mind, like I CAN be good to myself. I CAN be GREAT to myself!

And through healing myself, I can then help to heal others and be GREAT to others as well. 🙂

That, it’s not the end of the world because I slipped up today. (That’s a huge one. Because, perfectionism.)

That these moments are simply another lesson, aiding me in my journey to becoming MORE. Because it all really is a choice.

I wish to be empowered through this to become better, and not settle for playing victim like my old habit would, saying to myself:

“Yep. This is all there is. I’ll never be happy. My husband and I will never get along. We ALWAYS fight. I give up. I’m stuck with this asshole forever.”

Haha! Because it’s just NOT TRUE.

I always have a choice. WE always have a choice.

And I choose happiness. I choose freedom. And most of all, I choose LOVE.

I love you all so so very much! And I am feeling so much lighter by sharing what is on my heart with you in this moment.

Thank you for being here with me and for being a light in my darkness.

You are wonderful.

XOXO,
❤ Brittany

P.S. Here's the picture of "that freaking RAINBOW!!" Haha! 🙂

P.P.S Oh, and sorry babe. I love you ❤

What am I trying so hard to attain?

So I’m a part of a group called “Soul School” with Alexi Panos and we’ve been doing a lot of work. Like, A LOT of work. Personal development, looking within, sitting with the discomforts of life and celebrating the magic moments that are in every waking moment we’re alive.

Check it out here if you’re interested in or are so led to digging deep within and discovering who you are and how to become the best version of yourself possible. 😉

Well, anyway. We were in a Facebook Live and the following 2 questions were asked:

1. “What have I been trying to get to and my evolution?”
2. “What has been my destination?”

We were challenged to write down our answers. And then tear them up. To be done with the ridiculousness once and for all, knowing that it’s not real. And that we are just where we need to be. That we are enough.

And, well… As I’m a little embarrassed to tell you what my exact answers were, I’m going to tell you anyway. (Because damnit! I shall not bow down in the face of fear!)

It is honestly very eye-opening for me to put words to what my ambitions have been over the past years of personal development, so here goes…

shred-it-up

So.

What is it that I have been trying so hard to attain?

I have literally been trying to become the best version of myself so that I can attain perfection in the sense that I never make a single mistake and that I am seen as perfect and nice and good and the best person all the time

As well as, once achieving this, I’ve believed that I may be able to make ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD! (Because I’m such a good person…)

And, haha!!! How incredibly ridiculous does this sound?! I’m literally rolling on the floor. It’s really hilarious to me.

And it is really good for me to have perspective on this too! And to start retraining and rewiring my brain to believe what is actually true…

Which is this:

I am human. And imperfection IS perfection. The messiness is beautiful.

I will make money when I’m meant to. Not one second before, not one second after.

And I will provide value for others, which will in turn, provide me with some form of value as well! (Whether it be in the form of housing, money, food, etc.)

Personal growth and development is (officially starting now!)  just one strategy to becoming the best version of myself possible in order to help others in the best way possible.

To come back to the truth of who I really am, which is love.

So the question I pose to you is this: What have YOU been seeking, chasing after, trying to attain? What will you write out and rip to shreds?

I challenge you to sit with this for a moment. Write it out.

..And then shred the SHIT out of it!

Just do it!  Because you can.

Thank you for reading!

I love you.

Love always,
❤ Brittany

#WhateverArisesLoveThat #ShredThatShit #Whoohoo #JustDoIt