The paradox of “seeking”

It is in the seeking of intangible things that I lose myself.

I lose that which was sought after, before the search ever began. And what I’m learning, is this:

“It is only until the seeker within me rests, that I am capable of finding all that I search for.”
——-
What do I search for, you may ask?

I search for peace. All I ever want is peace.

Peace: The greatest surrender of all, simplicity from within.

That feeling inside that is calm. No anxiety. No tension. No fight.

Peace.

That feeling you get when you breathe your deepest breath. All is at ease.

Your heart is light, and all feels right in the world.

Peace.

I go in search for it, but to no avail.

Because it is in the search for that which we seek, that destroys all that we search for, before we are capable of finding it.

And overtime, I’ve found that the peace I seek can only be found in surrender. The surrender of everything, of all.

To God. To life. To all that “is.”

I write upon these pages with the utmost peace in my heart, my body and my mind.

No seeking is required.

It is our truest nature.

It is found in the “un-search.”

It is found in just being.

I’m always seeking to find.

And what I’ve found, is there be no need for seeking at all.

I love you, ❤ B.

Getting older and living deeply

thedoor

Cailin Way Photography @ cailinwayphoto.com

 

So tomorrow’s my birthday.

December 18th. A week before Christmas.

Mixed emotions fill my heart and mind as I ponder about whether to be excited or simply scared to death.

As you might tell from my previous thought, I have extreme tendencies. It’s my habit to be all or nothing.

So, this life?

It’s my practice. The art of finding balance.

And oh what a practice it is.

You see, I set high expectations for myself. Having perfectionistic tendencies to top it all off, and that my friend can be a recipe for disaster.

Or not.

The reality lies in a simple matter of choice.

What do I choose?

Because in reality, life is all about choosing. We always have choice.

We may not recognize it, or be aware of it, but it’s always there. Waiting for us to choose. Then take action.

So, tomorrow’s my birthday. And I feel damn excited.

And you know why? Because I choose to be.

And all of that other stuff? The perfectionism, high expectations, anxieties and disappointments in life?

That can to go to the wind.

Because the life I choose to live is a conscious one. To be a light. To love deeply, knowing that pain will come in life no matter what because it’s life.

Pain is here to teach us something.
To give us clues as to what’s next to learn during our journey here. So why not give it all we’ve got?

I feel my experience of life continues to grow deeper by the day, I feel life intensely, wholeheartedly, fully. I know the truth of who I am. And that fear? The fears of making mistakes, the fears of not being enough, judgement and disapproval?

That fear that does so great at keeping me small?

No longer will it win.

Not if I have anything to say about it. Not here, not now.

And you know why?

Because I have a message to share.

To the WORLD.

And it’s not my message, but the absolute truth that the universe turns on in cycles as its effect.

And that message is one of love. Of light. Of abundance, and radiance!

Of life.

So, I’m getting older?

Sure.

And it’s absolutely beautiful.

Brilliant, really.

Because you know why?

Because it is. And the “isness” of this life is indeed perfection.

Absolute divine perfection.

———————

Thank you so much for reading!

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Also, feel free to check out my YouTube Channel here where I post short inspirational videos, music, and other random musings: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDHpEALAPz2TCtZIFLBF0tQ

😉 Muah!

I love you,
Brittany

The freaking rainbow..

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Soooo today I was ridiculous.

I mean, I believe my husband had his moments of ridiculousness too, but listen, we I started an argument while talking about a freaking rainbow.

Who does that?! (Me, that’s who.)

And I just had to keep on about it.

I am still learning how to love myself even when I find that I slip back into old patterns and behaviors, and sometimes it can be difficult for me. (My old habits run off of perfectionistic tendencies, but I have to say, I’m getting much better these days!)

So.

The story:

My husband and I were talking about a rainbow that my mom saw this morning.

She asked if I saw it.

I said “No.”

So she decided to send me a photo of it.

Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous.

The thing is, is that I got frustrated at my husband. We were talking about how my mom had sent me photo and I had to repeat something that he must’ve missed, or didn’t hear. Not a big deal really.

But my immediate brain response made it a big deal:

“Oh no! You weren’t heard! What you have to say doesn’t mean anything to him! You’re not important! He doesn’t care about you!”

So, my voice changed to a more sarcastic tone, and I repeated myself. Then I told him “I don’t feel heard.”

He walks away.

Okay, sure, whatever, maybe he needed space. Maybe he didn’t care. Who am I to know what goes through that brain of his? He just woke up anyway.

But my second-layer brain response decided to take that action (him walking away) and to apply meaning to it:

“Oh no! He doesn’t love you! He doesn’t even LIKE you anymore! He’s abandoning you! There’s no harmony! You can’t take that! Go find harmony! Your life depends on it!”

So I did. I went in search of that harmony…

And oh, did I get everything BUT harmony!!!

And the more the conversation escalated, the more hurt I felt, the more emotional I became, the more walled up he became, and it was just a mess.

Purely a mess, I tell ya. (And I thought we were over these silly disputes already..?)

Always a work in progress is correct.

And it reminds me of how our egos have a TON to tell us about “what’s next in line to be loved,” as Matt Kahn would say.

I found out MANY things about myself.

And although I would absolutely LOVE to point the finger and say all of the things I notice in HIM that HE could’ve done better, I can find changeable areas in myself first, heal those first, and then see if things like this silly argument happen again in the future.

So. What has Brittany learned today about herself today?

Well basically, everything I learned about myself that I am still ‘growing to love’ is purely universal. Meaning, we humans, collectively, have these 3 basic human needs:

1. Brittany wants to BE LOVED.

Like, this extreme need in difficult situations for others OUTSIDE of myself, the external, to show up as love in the form of smiles, hugs and “I love you’s.” Kisses are great too! 🙂 (I went outside and offered that up to myself directly after the fight, but I could’ve gone to that place sooner. I think it would’ve prevented the suffering I created for myself during the argument.)

2. Brittany wants to feel UNDERSTOOD.

I want people to see where I’m coming from, to understand WHY I feel the way I do, and to honor me in that space. (Again, I did this for myself, but sooner could’ve made me feel better for sure!)

3. Brittany wants to FEEL CONNECTED.

I feel a total disconnect with my husband when we are in disagreement. He walls up, and I fall apart.

I’d imagine it’s quite hilarious to watch! Haha 😉

But in the moment, everything feels SO. DAMN. CRUCIAL! I literally feel like there is a crisis in my body when I don’t FEEL connected to the other person.

And to myself.

Like Matt Kahn talks about in his book, Whatever Arises, Love That, it is when we abandon OURSELVES, that we feel abandoned. Although it would be nice to blame other people, our ‘problems’ never have anything to do with anyone else.

I never wish to abandon myself again.

So after multiple hours of tears, I mean literally hours straight tear rivers… And 5 hours AFTER the fight, I am moving through this.

I’ve been doing the work, psycho-analyzing myself, getting inspired and cultivating that feeling of POWER in my body, that feeling of STRENGTH in my mind, like I CAN be good to myself. I CAN be GREAT to myself!

And through healing myself, I can then help to heal others and be GREAT to others as well. 🙂

That, it’s not the end of the world because I slipped up today. (That’s a huge one. Because, perfectionism.)

That these moments are simply another lesson, aiding me in my journey to becoming MORE. Because it all really is a choice.

I wish to be empowered through this to become better, and not settle for playing victim like my old habit would, saying to myself:

“Yep. This is all there is. I’ll never be happy. My husband and I will never get along. We ALWAYS fight. I give up. I’m stuck with this asshole forever.”

Haha! Because it’s just NOT TRUE.

I always have a choice. WE always have a choice.

And I choose happiness. I choose freedom. And most of all, I choose LOVE.

I love you all so so very much! And I am feeling so much lighter by sharing what is on my heart with you in this moment.

Thank you for being here with me and for being a light in my darkness.

You are wonderful.

XOXO,
❤ Brittany

P.S. Here's the picture of "that freaking RAINBOW!!" Haha! 🙂

P.P.S Oh, and sorry babe. I love you ❤

The art of life

The art of life is love, which can only be found in the stripping away of false things. Love is the innate nature within all of us. It is the process of letting go.

Letting go of the hurt, jealousy, comparison, and self-hate. Letting go of the outdated thought patterns no longer serving us. The pains, frustrations, anger and resentment we harbor deep within our souls.

And once we understand this, when we truly understand that the source of love comes from within, it is then possible to master it. To master the art of love, starting with ourselves.

That’s when the real magic happens.

That’s when we say “I do” to the dance. When we can start living IN the game of life, instead of watching from the sidelines – just waiting to be chosen.

So what if I told you that the magic of life isn’t found in the seeking and finding, but rather quite the opposite?

Because it’s true.

True living happens when we become more present with ourselves and what’s going on around us. It happens when we give more than we take. It’s in the smiles and the laughter. In the tears that tell stories. In the hugs and the highfives.

So what I want to tell myself right now is this:

“Stop waiting.”

Stop waiting for love to find YOU, and give it to others instead.

Stop waiting to open your heart. It may feel uncomfortable, but it is in the discomfort and pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone where you’ll find true progress.

And healing.

And love.

———-

That’s it.

Stop with the waiting.

Start being a REAL player in your own life.

Let go. Let love. And just dance.

I love you more than chocolate,
❤ Brittany

———-
P.S. Notice I said more than chocolate. Now that’s sayin’ a lot!

P.P.S. Isn’t that a freaking INCREDIBLE photo?! If you want more, check out my dear friend Cailin Way’s photography page here! 🙂

From breakdown to breakthrough

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Here I am again.

On the brink of another breakthrough.

Growing and learning and breaking down.

Hard.

And it’s terrifying.

And exciting.

The realization that INFINITY exists, and to even slightly begin to wrap our minds around it begins a process of true bliss that we can’t really stop. That we would never wish to stop. When we come to realize that we create our own limitations. That literally ANYTHING we want truly DOES exist and can become a part of our daily lives if we just BELIEVE.

Ohh how I have been in a constant state of thinking, over-thinking, analyzing EVERYTHING down to the tiniest particle. Going through the breakdowns, the breakthroughs. Helping and healing myself. And in turn others.

My entire perspective on life constantly evolving. Changing with every moment that I interact with the world around me. Within me.

Recognizing that we are all one in the same. We are spirit.

And all we truly need IS love. To love, and to be loved. To speak with love. Act with love.

Intentions.

Recognising just how MUCH time we spend in our ego, and how much more life has to offer us when we live in spirit. When we speak from our hearts instead of our heads. When we become vulnerable enough to have the ability to connect with others around us in such a way that we feel love in the deepest capacity.

Love is in everything we do. I see love all around me.

In the eyes of strangers. In the laughter of a child at play. In the plate of food that will nourish my body. In nature. A tree. A flower. A stream trickling over rocks through parks and farms and plains.

I see love when I close my eyes. I see it in my dreams.

And I feel it in a moment of bliss. When the wind blows past my cheeks. In a delicate kiss.

What is love then you ask?

Love is you.

Love is me.

I love you to infinity,
❤ B

Why are we so damn hard on ourselves?

I have a question to ask you..

“Why are we so damn hard on ourselves?”

No. But seriously?

What purpose does it serve, and honestly…tell me, does it REALLY help us to show up more vibrantly in our lives? Is it reallllly THAT empowering?

Still thinking this through, but my initial response is “NO.

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This subject and idea is so strongly on my mind this morning because I’ve been having SUCH DEFEATING thoughts about myself! (And in all honesty…who DOESN’T?!)

About my body:I’m too big. I’m not as fit as the other girls I work with. I wish I had a lower body fat percentage. I feel so ugly, WHY IS MY BODY SO UGLY!? I hate my cellulite. I wish I could look like X,Y,Z..

About my life:I’m not successful. I wish I were successful. Why can’t I just BE THERE already? I feel like I’ve put so much effort into growing that I SHOULD be somewhere else than I am in this moment.

I need more money. I wish I made more money. I want freedom. Why can’t life just be EASIER?! I’m 27. I’m anxious as hell thinking that I may never live up to my potential! I thought I would ‘feel’ like an adult by now..but I still feel lost and scared and have NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.

So these thoughts and worries and nit-picky criticisms we dish out to ourselves..what purpose do they serve?

And if we’re doing this to OURSELVES…it only begs the question..”Are we doing this to others as well?”

And how does that make THEM feel?

I mean, we all have our ups and downs…we can’t expect to be “perfect” in the sense that nothing painful ever happens..

But we sure can change our perspective on what ‘perfection’ really IS and what that looks like.

We can, in turn, say that “All is well and is unfolding as it should. I am okay. I am enough. In this moment.” And then breathe that deep sigh of relief that we are, in fact, EXACTLY where we’re supposed to be RIGHT NOW. No where else. We’re meant to be RIGHT HERE.

So…What can we learn? RIGHT HERE. In this moment..?

—–

And just to clarify..this message isn’t so that people feel sorry for me..no.

I’m no victim. Unless I choose to be..

All I know is that I feel 100% better when I start focusing on all that I DO have.

What can I be GRATEFUL for?

Like TRULY GRATEFUL??

Find it. See it. Hold on to it. SHARE it.

I’m in a current practice of being more gentle in this lifetime. Being kinder..starting with myself.

Whatever is going on in our internal world shows up in our external world.

So..

  • Be love.
  •  Be kind.
  • Be intense JOY.
  • Be lighthearted.
  • Be easy-going.
  • Be forgiving.
  • Be OUTRAGEOUS!!
  • Be fun.
  • Be understanding.
  • Be gentle.

…and start with OURSELVES first!! Then it’s a simple game of domino effect.

—-

When we can truly shine that deeply cultivated joy and happiness from the inside-out, others will notice. And it just might brighten their day up to a whole new world of possibilities.

I love you SO SO much!!!

You are beautiful. And wonderful. And absolutely perfect..RIGHT NOW. In this moment.

To all of you humans in need of hope, love, joy, and happiness..
❤ B

Coming back to love

When I come back to a place of love, I don’t feel empty any longer.

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I was just thinking about life.. like I normally do. Deeply analyzing why I’m doing what I’m doing, why I have certain thoughts, why I believe what I believe, and how I’m forming decisions.

Trying to define myself all the while…that’s how I feel secure in life..to have this “role” I define myself by, whether it be job title or family title…but eventually THAT feels constricting because now I’ve placed myself into a box. Limitations creep in and I feel suffocated.

All of this can be quite energy depleting, not to mention overwhelming when I keep it all to myself. Hold it all in.

So I was reading a Wayne Dyer email I received (his family is still sending them out..how amazing is that?!) And the words he wrote were perfect for me to hear at just this exact moment. Something struck a chord in me.

I started balling! In fact, my cheeks are still wet as I write this..

I kept trying to “figure out” who I am in the eyes of others. I know myself, but how does the world see me? My family, my friends, my coworkers, strangers…

How am I showing up on the outside? I know how I’m feeling on the INSIDE…

Are my actions and decisions frowned upon? Should I go after a “soul-calling” to travel and experience the world without “security” of a job? Or should I just stay in one location for the rest of my life to suit everyone else? To hold on to the security of the job? To make others happy…and then maybe I will be too?

And the “conclusive question” I came to is this.. does it even matter?

Who cares what other people think?

Either way, people will think what they want to. Period.

There’s no changing that. I could try to manipulate people into thinking one way or another…but honestly, that’s a whole lot of work for something that truly doesn’t matter.

The real question is…”What do I think?”

That’s more true for me.

I know myself better than anyone else. Sometimes I don’t see things in myself and others help me to see aspects of my personality that I am blinded by..but my truest nature? I KNOW down to my BONES my truest nature.

And that is one of love.

Wayne Dyer is an amazing being.

Here are 2 little excerpts that I’ll leave you with today that totally rocked my world..

“Remove labels attached to your life. Make an attempt to describe yourself without using any labels. Write a few paragraphs in which you do not mention your age, sex, position, title, accomplishments, possessions, experiences, heritage or geographic data. Simple write a statement about who you are, independent of all appearances.

Cultivate your calling. Make an attempt to shift your career objective from self-absorption to a calling. That’s right, a calling. Remind yourself that this is an intelligent system and that you are here to be love and have love by serving. Use your talents and special interests to fulfill your service with your calling. Your life work will take on a dramatic shift toward abundance, and you will feel on purpose and on the path of the sacred quest.””

— Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Just. Be. YOU.

That is all God asks. That is all the universe asks.

We are all beings of light and love. Go and be that. Today.

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I love you,
❤ Brittany

How rich is YOUR life?

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Life is continually reminding me to take a closer look to the present moments I find myself in. Whether “doing another chore” or “just another day at work,” I’m learning that I can find the love and the beauty and the pure, innocent joy of being within it.

And when we think about it, that’s all we really DO have, are multiple, tiny moments all consecutively pieced together to create our reality we call “life.”

But have you ever thought for a second what would happen if you were to just live fully in each of the tiny moments?

To not be in such a hurry to rush off to the next one…to just fully embody the moment, noticing just how rich and full it really can be?

Something as simple as sitting under this willow tree I find myself under right now can become a truly rewarding, and life-giving experience.

Finding life in the unseemly of places..

Trust me. Just try it out in this moment now! Or the next.

Notice what thoughts or feelings or activities you may be resisting or not looking forward to.

Let it go..

And indulge in the delicacy of the moment that life has to offer you.

Not in the next 5 minutes, but RIGHT NOW.

What can you learn?
What can you notice?
What can you GIVE?

I love you.

My heart is SO full right now..

Full of gratitude.

Full of light.

But most of all..full of LOVE.

❤ B

P.S. You’ll notice that the more present you become, the deeply felt joy there is to find.

#livefully

I’ll carry her for always

Friday May 27th 2016.

The day my sweet lady cat left this physical world.

And oh, what a beautiful life.

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#MommasSunshineGirl

I’m just thinking of it now…all the moments.

All the love and the laughter, playfulness and joy.

This girl has touched my life in more ways than I can describe.

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#ForeverMyTinyPaws

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#MissesBlueEyes

And although she may be gone in physical form, her soul resides within me. I’ll carry her for always.

My beautiful flower, under the willow tree, is now completely at peace. No more pain. No more suffering. No more fear.

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#ForeverInMyHeart #MyTinyFlower

With a newfound appreciation for all forms of life, I am deciding right now in this moment to living my life with more vibrance and brilliance than I could ever dream up.

I want to live a life of no regrets. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Precious kitty-girl, this one’s for you ❤

#ShineBrightly #TheSunWillComeOutTomorrow

#ShineBrightly #TheSunWillComeOutTomorrow

Love always and forever,
❤ B

#AlwaysLookingUp #MommasGotYou

Lessons learned from my friend who is dying

Love, infinite love.

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She is exactly that.

And as I sit here writing today, bittersweet feelings rush through my body. Feelings of grief and overwhelming sadness, but also of absolute joy and abundant love.

You see, my best friend in whole wide world, Precious, is entering her last stages of life. We’ve been joined at the hip for 17 years now, ever since I was 12.

She’s been through every thing with me: grade-school, summer vacations, jam-sessions, holidays, break-ups, adventures, graduations, marriage, the ups, the downs, and all of the in-betweens.

She’s heard my laughter and has seen my tears. She knows all of my secrets.

Memories upon memories we’ve shared..

And.. she’s dying.


I’ve seen this day coming for a while now, but it doesn’t make it any easier. So, in order to release what’s coming up for me during these tougher of times, I’m using writing as my outlet.

She’s here with me now, helping me as I write, (critiquing as always) and she says it’s okay to share some of her kitty-wisdom with you today. 🙂

I’d like to share with you all of my most “precious” lessons learned from this amazing, tiny, lady cat who may not speak much human, but has a tremendous way with words. She will forever live in my heart, and her spirit will never cease to guide me.

Lessons learned from my little bundle of joy:

❤ How to keep on going when the going gets tough.
❤ How to love so deeply that it hurts.
❤ How to comfort others.
❤ How to have fun.
❤ How to do what I want.
❤ How to not care what other people think.
❤ How to truly give and expect nothing in return (okay, except when treats are involved! 😉 )
❤ How to fight back when necessary.
❤ How to stay strong, even when I’m at my weakest.
❤ How to be gentle.
❤ How to find strength in the pain.
❤ How to flow through this river of life.
❤ How to be vulnerable.
❤ How to use my intuition.
❤ How to trust.
❤ How to be patient.
❤ How to speak my truth.
❤ How to fully enjoy life.
❤ How to relax.
❤ How to “just be.”
❤ How to be independent.
❤ How to soak up the sunshine on a warm summer day.
❤ How to be present.
❤ How to find peace.


She’s given me the true gift that keeps on giving, and that is real, absolute, and self-less love.

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My mom messaged me the other day. She told me that “Precious is very lucky that you chose her.” And it’s funny, because although I’d like to buy into the story that “she’s the lucky one,” I feel that “I’m so lucky that she chose ME.”

She’s saved me.

Dr. Seuss says, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” That’s hard sometimes. And although I’ve had my bouts of tears, I can genuinely smile knowing that she’s lived a long and happy life, full of love and joy and adventure.

It’s tough sometimes, this life. We want so badly to hold on to things forever, but sometimes it’s more meaningful when we allow ourselves to let go.

It’s less painful. Less suffering.

True love lets go.

Since I really love her, I’ll have to allow myself to let her to drift off into that peaceful, and dreamless sleep. To rest. To be at peace.

I started feeling really anxious and heart-broken so I went outside to think and to meditate. I sat under the willow tree in my backyard.

And I cried.

Like that deep, most vulnerable cry… I cried like a child.

And as I sat, looking down at the grass that connects us all, I decided in that moment how I want to honor Precious when she passes on from this life in the physical world.

And (after clearing it with her of course) I’ve decided that I want to bury her under the willow. I decided it might be nice to also plant some shade-loving flowers over her that will come back every spring, in memory of her.

After all, she is my little flower, beautiful in every way.

She is also my love and is love in every sense of the word. She has made such a tremendous imprint on my heart and I’ll carry her for always.

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I’d now like to send out a genuine token of appreciation to all of my friends and family for your love and never-ending support through this season of my life.


A most genuine “Thank you.”

To my husband, Nathan, who was there to support me through this last leg of the journey of Precious’ life, for being strong, and loving me through it all.

To my dad, who made countless trips to the store for more foods than he could ever have imagined buying for this picky little lady.

To my mom who was always there to comfort the girl when I was away, for all her love she’s given through the years.

To my sister, Denise, and my friend and soul-sister Kimberly, who would check in on me and kitty, sending all their love my way.

To Adyson, who would comfort and love on kitty when I was away..always being so gentle with her.

To Alejandra and Tyler who helped keep my heart light on the days when I felt the most despair.

To Sara, Zac and Katherine for prayers and the freedom from work to spend quality time with this girl.

To Dr. Zack who made this process a gentle one, believing that every thing happens in due-time. For respecting the natural processes of life, and of death.

To my friends and other soul-sisters Anna, Christian, and Meda for truly knowing and understanding the connection and depth of love one can have for a cat. For helping me not feel so crazy about loving mine so strongly, and with my whole heart.

And last but not least, to my Grandma and Grandpa Usher, for gifting me with this beautiful soul..these moments could never have been possible if we never went and picked out our tiny rescue kitty on that beautiful autumn day 🙂

I know there are many more friends that have meant so much to me that I have not named, (Cough, cough, Edwin!?) but know that you mean something too and that I am completely grateful for you. Each and every person in my life has helped me cope with each of life’s surprises in one way or another, and for that, I love you all. ❤

May we all find peace and love in the life that we were given. May we learn lessons in the tough times and help others in our moments of strength. May we love fully, even when it hurts.

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I love you,
❤ B