The freaking rainbow..

123_1

Soooo today I was ridiculous.

I mean, I believe my husband had his moments of ridiculousness too, but listen, we I started an argument while talking about a freaking rainbow.

Who does that?! (Me, that’s who.)

And I just had to keep on about it.

I am still learning how to love myself even when I find that I slip back into old patterns and behaviors, and sometimes it can be difficult for me. (My old habits run off of perfectionistic tendencies, but I have to say, I’m getting much better these days!)

So.

The story:

My husband and I were talking about a rainbow that my mom saw this morning.

She asked if I saw it.

I said “No.”

So she decided to send me a photo of it.

Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous.

The thing is, is that I got frustrated at my husband. We were talking about how my mom had sent me photo and I had to repeat something that he must’ve missed, or didn’t hear. Not a big deal really.

But my immediate brain response made it a big deal:

“Oh no! You weren’t heard! What you have to say doesn’t mean anything to him! You’re not important! He doesn’t care about you!”

So, my voice changed to a more sarcastic tone, and I repeated myself. Then I told him “I don’t feel heard.”

He walks away.

Okay, sure, whatever, maybe he needed space. Maybe he didn’t care. Who am I to know what goes through that brain of his? He just woke up anyway.

But my second-layer brain response decided to take that action (him walking away) and to apply meaning to it:

“Oh no! He doesn’t love you! He doesn’t even LIKE you anymore! He’s abandoning you! There’s no harmony! You can’t take that! Go find harmony! Your life depends on it!”

So I did. I went in search of that harmony…

And oh, did I get everything BUT harmony!!!

And the more the conversation escalated, the more hurt I felt, the more emotional I became, the more walled up he became, and it was just a mess.

Purely a mess, I tell ya. (And I thought we were over these silly disputes already..?)

Always a work in progress is correct.

And it reminds me of how our egos have a TON to tell us about “what’s next in line to be loved,” as Matt Kahn would say.

I found out MANY things about myself.

And although I would absolutely LOVE to point the finger and say all of the things I notice in HIM that HE could’ve done better, I can find changeable areas in myself first, heal those first, and then see if things like this silly argument happen again in the future.

So. What has Brittany learned today about herself today?

Well basically, everything I learned about myself that I am still ‘growing to love’ is purely universal. Meaning, we humans, collectively, have these 3 basic human needs:

1. Brittany wants to BE LOVED.

Like, this extreme need in difficult situations for others OUTSIDE of myself, the external, to show up as love in the form of smiles, hugs and “I love you’s.” Kisses are great too! 🙂 (I went outside and offered that up to myself directly after the fight, but I could’ve gone to that place sooner. I think it would’ve prevented the suffering I created for myself during the argument.)

2. Brittany wants to feel UNDERSTOOD.

I want people to see where I’m coming from, to understand WHY I feel the way I do, and to honor me in that space. (Again, I did this for myself, but sooner could’ve made me feel better for sure!)

3. Brittany wants to FEEL CONNECTED.

I feel a total disconnect with my husband when we are in disagreement. He walls up, and I fall apart.

I’d imagine it’s quite hilarious to watch! Haha 😉

But in the moment, everything feels SO. DAMN. CRUCIAL! I literally feel like there is a crisis in my body when I don’t FEEL connected to the other person.

And to myself.

Like Matt Kahn talks about in his book, Whatever Arises, Love That, it is when we abandon OURSELVES, that we feel abandoned. Although it would be nice to blame other people, our ‘problems’ never have anything to do with anyone else.

I never wish to abandon myself again.

So after multiple hours of tears, I mean literally hours straight tear rivers… And 5 hours AFTER the fight, I am moving through this.

I’ve been doing the work, psycho-analyzing myself, getting inspired and cultivating that feeling of POWER in my body, that feeling of STRENGTH in my mind, like I CAN be good to myself. I CAN be GREAT to myself!

And through healing myself, I can then help to heal others and be GREAT to others as well. 🙂

That, it’s not the end of the world because I slipped up today. (That’s a huge one. Because, perfectionism.)

That these moments are simply another lesson, aiding me in my journey to becoming MORE. Because it all really is a choice.

I wish to be empowered through this to become better, and not settle for playing victim like my old habit would, saying to myself:

“Yep. This is all there is. I’ll never be happy. My husband and I will never get along. We ALWAYS fight. I give up. I’m stuck with this asshole forever.”

Haha! Because it’s just NOT TRUE.

I always have a choice. WE always have a choice.

And I choose happiness. I choose freedom. And most of all, I choose LOVE.

I love you all so so very much! And I am feeling so much lighter by sharing what is on my heart with you in this moment.

Thank you for being here with me and for being a light in my darkness.

You are wonderful.

XOXO,
❤ Brittany

P.S. Here's the picture of "that freaking RAINBOW!!" Haha! 🙂

P.P.S Oh, and sorry babe. I love you ❤

Advertisements

Excited as ever. Scared to death.

DSC_0197 copy

I think we’ve all been here before.

We have a new, life-changing opportunity- say we landed a new job, found out we were pregnant, found the love of our life, bought a new home, got accepted to that highly esteemed university miles away from home.

And it’s interesting. When we’re really watching, we find that our emotions can be completely confusing.

On one hand, we’re really excited: “New life, Here we come!” And on the other hand we’re totally and extremely scared to death.

We introduce worry into our lives asking questions like:

– “What if I fail?”
– “What if I’m not good enough?”
– “What if I don’t measure up, and make a fool of myself?”

It’s this internal battle between excitement and fear that makes us feel so..

Confused.

We start questioning ourselves:

– “Was this the right move?”
– “Why the heck did I do this?”
– “Is this really even what I want?”


I bring this up because an amazing opportunity has been offered to me.

I went out in search of it, and things unfolded into something that has the potential to be a beautiful thing.

It’s not set in stone quite yet, so I’ll have to keep the details of it a secret for now.

But my emotions…Now those I can share with you! (And those of you who know me personally understand that I have plenty of them to go around!) 🙂

So more about this opportunity and my internal battle around it.

Awesome & Exciting Aspects:

  • It would be an amazing change of pace
  • Different, (better?) lifestyle
  • Adventure, and lots of it
  • New friends
  • Helping make a difference in people’s lives
  • Increase my personal independence and confidence
  • Multiple new opportunities
  • Learn another culture and language

Scary & Uncomfortable Aspects:

  • Long way from home, family, & friends
  • New surroundings/ way of life
  • Have never done it before, afraid of failure and not being good enough
  • Scared it won’t be as awesome as I think it will be
  • Afraid of being taken advantage of, since I’m new to it
  • Fear of looking stupid and people laughing at me
  • Scared my cat (my ultimate soul mate in life) will pass away while in my absence
  • Will be away for a while

I understand logically that the experience will be what I make it. I ultimately have the choice to see the positive side to the process. Not dwell on the less-than-great aspects.

I understand that nothing is permanent. I won’t be there forever. I won’t be in any one place forever for that matter. I ultimately have the choice to leave whenever I want. Because I can.

So I guess I’m coming to a possible conclusion that in order to welcome any change into our lives, we must be willing to let go of the stories. Let go of the thoughts that aren’t serving us. Because the truth is that I don’t know anything. I don’t know anything at all.

Maybe I’ll die later today and all my worries would be for nothing. The truth is that I don’t know what things will happen, good or bad. No one does.

So through this process of excitement and doubt, and the torn emotions I’ve been experiencing, I’ve come to realize that life is all about balance. It’s constant struggle to find the balances in our thoughts. Our emotions. Our lives.

Every moment is precious. Let’s start living each moment like we really believe that. When you start thinking thoughts that are full of worry, obsessing over the same old things, getting the same old results -(anxiety, depression, resentment, fear)- Acknowledge them, and allow them to pass.

Let them go.

Allow yourself to be free. Free from the mental clutter. The incessant chatter. Find the balance.

Be the balance.


Thank you so much for reading! (You made it to the end!)

I love you more than you know.

With all the gratitude a heart can hold,
❤ Brittany