The freaking rainbow..

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Soooo today I was ridiculous.

I mean, I believe my husband had his moments of ridiculousness too, but listen, we I started an argument while talking about a freaking rainbow.

Who does that?! (Me, that’s who.)

And I just had to keep on about it.

I am still learning how to love myself even when I find that I slip back into old patterns and behaviors, and sometimes it can be difficult for me. (My old habits run off of perfectionistic tendencies, but I have to say, I’m getting much better these days!)

So.

The story:

My husband and I were talking about a rainbow that my mom saw this morning.

She asked if I saw it.

I said “No.”

So she decided to send me a photo of it.

Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous.

The thing is, is that I got frustrated at my husband. We were talking about how my mom had sent me photo and I had to repeat something that he must’ve missed, or didn’t hear. Not a big deal really.

But my immediate brain response made it a big deal:

“Oh no! You weren’t heard! What you have to say doesn’t mean anything to him! You’re not important! He doesn’t care about you!”

So, my voice changed to a more sarcastic tone, and I repeated myself. Then I told him “I don’t feel heard.”

He walks away.

Okay, sure, whatever, maybe he needed space. Maybe he didn’t care. Who am I to know what goes through that brain of his? He just woke up anyway.

But my second-layer brain response decided to take that action (him walking away) and to apply meaning to it:

“Oh no! He doesn’t love you! He doesn’t even LIKE you anymore! He’s abandoning you! There’s no harmony! You can’t take that! Go find harmony! Your life depends on it!”

So I did. I went in search of that harmony…

And oh, did I get everything BUT harmony!!!

And the more the conversation escalated, the more hurt I felt, the more emotional I became, the more walled up he became, and it was just a mess.

Purely a mess, I tell ya. (And I thought we were over these silly disputes already..?)

Always a work in progress is correct.

And it reminds me of how our egos have a TON to tell us about “what’s next in line to be loved,” as Matt Kahn would say.

I found out MANY things about myself.

And although I would absolutely LOVE to point the finger and say all of the things I notice in HIM that HE could’ve done better, I can find changeable areas in myself first, heal those first, and then see if things like this silly argument happen again in the future.

So. What has Brittany learned today about herself today?

Well basically, everything I learned about myself that I am still ‘growing to love’ is purely universal. Meaning, we humans, collectively, have these 3 basic human needs:

1. Brittany wants to BE LOVED.

Like, this extreme need in difficult situations for others OUTSIDE of myself, the external, to show up as love in the form of smiles, hugs and “I love you’s.” Kisses are great too! 🙂 (I went outside and offered that up to myself directly after the fight, but I could’ve gone to that place sooner. I think it would’ve prevented the suffering I created for myself during the argument.)

2. Brittany wants to feel UNDERSTOOD.

I want people to see where I’m coming from, to understand WHY I feel the way I do, and to honor me in that space. (Again, I did this for myself, but sooner could’ve made me feel better for sure!)

3. Brittany wants to FEEL CONNECTED.

I feel a total disconnect with my husband when we are in disagreement. He walls up, and I fall apart.

I’d imagine it’s quite hilarious to watch! Haha 😉

But in the moment, everything feels SO. DAMN. CRUCIAL! I literally feel like there is a crisis in my body when I don’t FEEL connected to the other person.

And to myself.

Like Matt Kahn talks about in his book, Whatever Arises, Love That, it is when we abandon OURSELVES, that we feel abandoned. Although it would be nice to blame other people, our ‘problems’ never have anything to do with anyone else.

I never wish to abandon myself again.

So after multiple hours of tears, I mean literally hours straight tear rivers… And 5 hours AFTER the fight, I am moving through this.

I’ve been doing the work, psycho-analyzing myself, getting inspired and cultivating that feeling of POWER in my body, that feeling of STRENGTH in my mind, like I CAN be good to myself. I CAN be GREAT to myself!

And through healing myself, I can then help to heal others and be GREAT to others as well. 🙂

That, it’s not the end of the world because I slipped up today. (That’s a huge one. Because, perfectionism.)

That these moments are simply another lesson, aiding me in my journey to becoming MORE. Because it all really is a choice.

I wish to be empowered through this to become better, and not settle for playing victim like my old habit would, saying to myself:

“Yep. This is all there is. I’ll never be happy. My husband and I will never get along. We ALWAYS fight. I give up. I’m stuck with this asshole forever.”

Haha! Because it’s just NOT TRUE.

I always have a choice. WE always have a choice.

And I choose happiness. I choose freedom. And most of all, I choose LOVE.

I love you all so so very much! And I am feeling so much lighter by sharing what is on my heart with you in this moment.

Thank you for being here with me and for being a light in my darkness.

You are wonderful.

XOXO,
❤ Brittany

P.S. Here's the picture of "that freaking RAINBOW!!" Haha! 🙂

P.P.S Oh, and sorry babe. I love you ❤

Just keep moving

It was literally the difference between life and death.

You see, I went for a bike ride.

Gorgeous morning, cool breeze, slight humidity in the air. The sun peaking through the clouds.

One girl. One bike. One trail.

So I’m riding. Wind in my hair, sunshine glistens on my cheeks.

I stumble upon something…

A pool of water. Just sitting there. No movement. No life.

Stagnant. Dirty. Decaying.

A foul odor permeated the air. I couldn’t help but wince.

“Peddle faster.”

So I did.

Another few bends in the road, a beautiful trail among tall trees.

Mostly deciduous. Dancing with the breeze.

Wildlife buzzing through the air. Rustling through the leaves. Magic everywhere.

A tiny concrete bridge, over a tiny flowing brooke.

Ahh… the sound of trickling water.

Soothing, calming.

Fresh air surrounds me. Life abounding.

The MOVEMENT. The flow of the water gliding over the rocks and stones and pebbles.

And it reminded me of this beautiful life. The one that can be as magical as we wish it to be. The one we have (almost) complete control over the outcomes. (At least our perspectives and the meanings we attach to them.)

The choices we choose to make, and the feelings we allow to linger and stay.

And I was reminded of how life is such an ebb and flow.

How we find ourselves in circumstance and opposition, in happiness and joy and love. And if we can just keep moving, everything has the chance to flow evermore gracefully.

We can be so much more radiant. So full of life. And light.

And ultimately, it is WE who get to choose to grow or regress.

To become stronger. Or wiser.

Perhaps we’ll simply settle for a weaker existence. Maybe we’ll dull out.

————–

And if we can learn anything from nature it is the art of flow.

I’m an avid student of life. I learn as I go.

And whatever pain experienced, finding the surprises in the outcomes. Like little lessons tucked away just waiting for me to open them.

So my question is this: What lesson is life offering up to us right now? And how can we master the art of flow in our lives so that we can live it ever more gracefully? More gently?

I love you. You are absolutely wonderful. And beautiful beyond measure.

What’s your soul crying out for today?

—————
So, I went on this bike ride…

and it turned into this poem.

I love you forever,
❤ B

P.S. See what I did there? Forever truly is a long time. But then again, time is merely a feeling. Muah ❤

The art of life

The art of life is love, which can only be found in the stripping away of false things. Love is the innate nature within all of us. It is the process of letting go.

Letting go of the hurt, jealousy, comparison, and self-hate. Letting go of the outdated thought patterns no longer serving us. The pains, frustrations, anger and resentment we harbor deep within our souls.

And once we understand this, when we truly understand that the source of love comes from within, it is then possible to master it. To master the art of love, starting with ourselves.

That’s when the real magic happens.

That’s when we say “I do” to the dance. When we can start living IN the game of life, instead of watching from the sidelines – just waiting to be chosen.

So what if I told you that the magic of life isn’t found in the seeking and finding, but rather quite the opposite?

Because it’s true.

True living happens when we become more present with ourselves and what’s going on around us. It happens when we give more than we take. It’s in the smiles and the laughter. In the tears that tell stories. In the hugs and the highfives.

So what I want to tell myself right now is this:

“Stop waiting.”

Stop waiting for love to find YOU, and give it to others instead.

Stop waiting to open your heart. It may feel uncomfortable, but it is in the discomfort and pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone where you’ll find true progress.

And healing.

And love.

———-

That’s it.

Stop with the waiting.

Start being a REAL player in your own life.

Let go. Let love. And just dance.

I love you more than chocolate,
❤ Brittany

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P.S. Notice I said more than chocolate. Now that’s sayin’ a lot!

P.P.S. Isn’t that a freaking INCREDIBLE photo?! If you want more, check out my dear friend Cailin Way’s photography page here! 🙂

From breakdown to breakthrough

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Here I am again.

On the brink of another breakthrough.

Growing and learning and breaking down.

Hard.

And it’s terrifying.

And exciting.

The realization that INFINITY exists, and to even slightly begin to wrap our minds around it begins a process of true bliss that we can’t really stop. That we would never wish to stop. When we come to realize that we create our own limitations. That literally ANYTHING we want truly DOES exist and can become a part of our daily lives if we just BELIEVE.

Ohh how I have been in a constant state of thinking, over-thinking, analyzing EVERYTHING down to the tiniest particle. Going through the breakdowns, the breakthroughs. Helping and healing myself. And in turn others.

My entire perspective on life constantly evolving. Changing with every moment that I interact with the world around me. Within me.

Recognizing that we are all one in the same. We are spirit.

And all we truly need IS love. To love, and to be loved. To speak with love. Act with love.

Intentions.

Recognising just how MUCH time we spend in our ego, and how much more life has to offer us when we live in spirit. When we speak from our hearts instead of our heads. When we become vulnerable enough to have the ability to connect with others around us in such a way that we feel love in the deepest capacity.

Love is in everything we do. I see love all around me.

In the eyes of strangers. In the laughter of a child at play. In the plate of food that will nourish my body. In nature. A tree. A flower. A stream trickling over rocks through parks and farms and plains.

I see love when I close my eyes. I see it in my dreams.

And I feel it in a moment of bliss. When the wind blows past my cheeks. In a delicate kiss.

What is love then you ask?

Love is you.

Love is me.

I love you to infinity,
❤ B

Why are we so damn hard on ourselves?

I have a question to ask you..

“Why are we so damn hard on ourselves?”

No. But seriously?

What purpose does it serve, and honestly…tell me, does it REALLY help us to show up more vibrantly in our lives? Is it reallllly THAT empowering?

Still thinking this through, but my initial response is “NO.

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This subject and idea is so strongly on my mind this morning because I’ve been having SUCH DEFEATING thoughts about myself! (And in all honesty…who DOESN’T?!)

About my body:I’m too big. I’m not as fit as the other girls I work with. I wish I had a lower body fat percentage. I feel so ugly, WHY IS MY BODY SO UGLY!? I hate my cellulite. I wish I could look like X,Y,Z..

About my life:I’m not successful. I wish I were successful. Why can’t I just BE THERE already? I feel like I’ve put so much effort into growing that I SHOULD be somewhere else than I am in this moment.

I need more money. I wish I made more money. I want freedom. Why can’t life just be EASIER?! I’m 27. I’m anxious as hell thinking that I may never live up to my potential! I thought I would ‘feel’ like an adult by now..but I still feel lost and scared and have NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.

So these thoughts and worries and nit-picky criticisms we dish out to ourselves..what purpose do they serve?

And if we’re doing this to OURSELVES…it only begs the question..”Are we doing this to others as well?”

And how does that make THEM feel?

I mean, we all have our ups and downs…we can’t expect to be “perfect” in the sense that nothing painful ever happens..

But we sure can change our perspective on what ‘perfection’ really IS and what that looks like.

We can, in turn, say that “All is well and is unfolding as it should. I am okay. I am enough. In this moment.” And then breathe that deep sigh of relief that we are, in fact, EXACTLY where we’re supposed to be RIGHT NOW. No where else. We’re meant to be RIGHT HERE.

So…What can we learn? RIGHT HERE. In this moment..?

—–

And just to clarify..this message isn’t so that people feel sorry for me..no.

I’m no victim. Unless I choose to be..

All I know is that I feel 100% better when I start focusing on all that I DO have.

What can I be GRATEFUL for?

Like TRULY GRATEFUL??

Find it. See it. Hold on to it. SHARE it.

I’m in a current practice of being more gentle in this lifetime. Being kinder..starting with myself.

Whatever is going on in our internal world shows up in our external world.

So..

  • Be love.
  •  Be kind.
  • Be intense JOY.
  • Be lighthearted.
  • Be easy-going.
  • Be forgiving.
  • Be OUTRAGEOUS!!
  • Be fun.
  • Be understanding.
  • Be gentle.

…and start with OURSELVES first!! Then it’s a simple game of domino effect.

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When we can truly shine that deeply cultivated joy and happiness from the inside-out, others will notice. And it just might brighten their day up to a whole new world of possibilities.

I love you SO SO much!!!

You are beautiful. And wonderful. And absolutely perfect..RIGHT NOW. In this moment.

To all of you humans in need of hope, love, joy, and happiness..
❤ B

Five years ALREADY?

So today is my 5-year wedding anniversary..(wow, has it really been five years?!) Interesting how the time goes by whether we ask it to or not..we can’t control it..and after all, time is just a feeling.

Anyway, back to the message at hand.. 😉

So I felt inclined to read through an old letter my husband wrote me last year, that I stumbled upon this morning in my dresser drawer. Of course, I was hit with tremendous waves of emotion..mainly those of deep gratitude, joy, and love.

I am so grateful to get to peek inside his heart at any given moment, day or night, through his gifts of the written word tucked away in notes for only my eyes to see.

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I love that he puts in the time and effort to express his love, devotion, and appreciation to me in his writing. I really am loved. And I am so grateful for that.

I wanted to write a blog-post, well..mainly because I’ve gotta get down to the REALITIES of life, love, and marriage..but ALSO I wrote too much within a single Facebook post (haha!) so I figured I’d transfer it over here where it’s more easily accessed, read, and so on..

Sooo…MARRIAGE. Oh, what to say about marriage.

It’s definitely not what I thought it would be..

It’s MORE.

Like, I never thought a person could encounter so much happiness, and struggle and pain, move through it, and end up on the other side stronger and more in love than ever. And oh, has it been a ride!

I’ve literally wanted to give up more times than I can count, thinking the grass would always be greener on the other side..but then after sticking through the tough times, speaking my truths, being completely torn apart and vulnerable and communicating with words and actions of love..failing with the love part sometimes a lot..but continuing on..

Well, it turns out that keeping both feet in only made for a better tomorrow..and the next day.

There’s a quote I’m reminded of in this moment..”That which is most satisfying is that which is earned. Anything received free of charge is seldom valued. You can’t get something for (from) nothing. The price is too high.” -Kekich Credo #38

So the message I really want to convey today is this: anything actually worth having will require a certain level of persistence, effort, commitment, and understanding. If I have learned anything in my marriage over the past five years, it is that we create our own realities and that we have all the power in the world to cultivate what we want in life… especially in our relationships, not only with ourselves, but with the ones we love most dear.

I am coming to realize that within this experience I call our “humanness,” is wherein lies absolute perfection.

Without the sudden changes, the unknowns, the plans not going according to plan.. all of it is on purpose. And we don’t have to understand right away, or ever know why. But, what we can do, is trust that in someway, whatever happens in our reality is what’s meant to happen. It’s what’s better for us in the long run. Even if we don’t fully understand it in the moment.

My marriage has been filled with all sorts of amazing things: lessons and learning, adventure, passion, love, joy, faithfulness, commitment..but I won’t delude anyone into thinking that it’s been an easy ride..or “perfect” in the sense that nothing painful ever happens.

Just because on my Facebook profile you only see the happy, adventurous, seemingly-perfect moments, doesn’t mean the exact opposite hasn’t been a complete part of my journey here as well. In fact, much of my time has been spent in darker places before the sun could shine through.

In my marriage over the past 5 years, there has been miscommunication, pain, personal suffering, confusion, questioning, fights, arguments, you name it… But in the end, and through it all, my husband and I both have grown tremendously and are exponentially stronger than ever for going through the pain, truly dealing with it, and moving forward.

I hope that this message can shed some light on some of the realities of life. I hope that what you gain from reading these words is that life in itself IS perfection. All of it’s seemingly random moments, the confusion, the pain, the struggle, the loss, and most of all the messiness.

It’s all a part of the journey.

And the more we can honor and embrace those tougher moments, and really GO deep within ourselves to find our truth and deal with what’s coming up for us, the better off we are in the long run.

I was chatting with my friend Brittany just last night..and we talked about the truth that “the old must die off, before the new can come in.” And what a solid truth that is..in ALL aspects of our lives!

So. Here’s to five-years my love! I am now such a radically changed human in comparison to who I was when we first met.. the old has officially died off (and continues to die more every day) and the new is shining through. I see light in our future. Abundance. Joy. Growth. And a whole lotta love.

I love you more than words could ever express and I look forward to the adventures and struggles that lie ahead..which will only serve to move us closer to our goals in healing the world and making it a better place..making a positive impact on those we meet along the way.

Happy sunshiney day! Be a light in the darkness. Find the magic in all the moments. And live with purpose. Joy. And a heart full of love.

Sincerely yours,
❤ B

Lessons learned from my friend who is dying

Love, infinite love.

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She is exactly that.

And as I sit here writing today, bittersweet feelings rush through my body. Feelings of grief and overwhelming sadness, but also of absolute joy and abundant love.

You see, my best friend in whole wide world, Precious, is entering her last stages of life. We’ve been joined at the hip for 17 years now, ever since I was 12.

She’s been through every thing with me: grade-school, summer vacations, jam-sessions, holidays, break-ups, adventures, graduations, marriage, the ups, the downs, and all of the in-betweens.

She’s heard my laughter and has seen my tears. She knows all of my secrets.

Memories upon memories we’ve shared..

And.. she’s dying.


I’ve seen this day coming for a while now, but it doesn’t make it any easier. So, in order to release what’s coming up for me during these tougher of times, I’m using writing as my outlet.

She’s here with me now, helping me as I write, (critiquing as always) and she says it’s okay to share some of her kitty-wisdom with you today. 🙂

I’d like to share with you all of my most “precious” lessons learned from this amazing, tiny, lady cat who may not speak much human, but has a tremendous way with words. She will forever live in my heart, and her spirit will never cease to guide me.

Lessons learned from my little bundle of joy:

❤ How to keep on going when the going gets tough.
❤ How to love so deeply that it hurts.
❤ How to comfort others.
❤ How to have fun.
❤ How to do what I want.
❤ How to not care what other people think.
❤ How to truly give and expect nothing in return (okay, except when treats are involved! 😉 )
❤ How to fight back when necessary.
❤ How to stay strong, even when I’m at my weakest.
❤ How to be gentle.
❤ How to find strength in the pain.
❤ How to flow through this river of life.
❤ How to be vulnerable.
❤ How to use my intuition.
❤ How to trust.
❤ How to be patient.
❤ How to speak my truth.
❤ How to fully enjoy life.
❤ How to relax.
❤ How to “just be.”
❤ How to be independent.
❤ How to soak up the sunshine on a warm summer day.
❤ How to be present.
❤ How to find peace.


She’s given me the true gift that keeps on giving, and that is real, absolute, and self-less love.

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My mom messaged me the other day. She told me that “Precious is very lucky that you chose her.” And it’s funny, because although I’d like to buy into the story that “she’s the lucky one,” I feel that “I’m so lucky that she chose ME.”

She’s saved me.

Dr. Seuss says, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” That’s hard sometimes. And although I’ve had my bouts of tears, I can genuinely smile knowing that she’s lived a long and happy life, full of love and joy and adventure.

It’s tough sometimes, this life. We want so badly to hold on to things forever, but sometimes it’s more meaningful when we allow ourselves to let go.

It’s less painful. Less suffering.

True love lets go.

Since I really love her, I’ll have to allow myself to let her to drift off into that peaceful, and dreamless sleep. To rest. To be at peace.

I started feeling really anxious and heart-broken so I went outside to think and to meditate. I sat under the willow tree in my backyard.

And I cried.

Like that deep, most vulnerable cry… I cried like a child.

And as I sat, looking down at the grass that connects us all, I decided in that moment how I want to honor Precious when she passes on from this life in the physical world.

And (after clearing it with her of course) I’ve decided that I want to bury her under the willow. I decided it might be nice to also plant some shade-loving flowers over her that will come back every spring, in memory of her.

After all, she is my little flower, beautiful in every way.

She is also my love and is love in every sense of the word. She has made such a tremendous imprint on my heart and I’ll carry her for always.

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I’d now like to send out a genuine token of appreciation to all of my friends and family for your love and never-ending support through this season of my life.


A most genuine “Thank you.”

To my husband, Nathan, who was there to support me through this last leg of the journey of Precious’ life, for being strong, and loving me through it all.

To my dad, who made countless trips to the store for more foods than he could ever have imagined buying for this picky little lady.

To my mom who was always there to comfort the girl when I was away, for all her love she’s given through the years.

To my sister, Denise, and my friend and soul-sister Kimberly, who would check in on me and kitty, sending all their love my way.

To Adyson, who would comfort and love on kitty when I was away..always being so gentle with her.

To Alejandra and Tyler who helped keep my heart light on the days when I felt the most despair.

To Sara, Zac and Katherine for prayers and the freedom from work to spend quality time with this girl.

To Dr. Zack who made this process a gentle one, believing that every thing happens in due-time. For respecting the natural processes of life, and of death.

To my friends and other soul-sisters Anna, Christian, and Meda for truly knowing and understanding the connection and depth of love one can have for a cat. For helping me not feel so crazy about loving mine so strongly, and with my whole heart.

And last but not least, to my Grandma and Grandpa Usher, for gifting me with this beautiful soul..these moments could never have been possible if we never went and picked out our tiny rescue kitty on that beautiful autumn day 🙂

I know there are many more friends that have meant so much to me that I have not named, (Cough, cough, Edwin!?) but know that you mean something too and that I am completely grateful for you. Each and every person in my life has helped me cope with each of life’s surprises in one way or another, and for that, I love you all. ❤

May we all find peace and love in the life that we were given. May we learn lessons in the tough times and help others in our moments of strength. May we love fully, even when it hurts.

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I love you,
❤ B