Soooo today I was ridiculous.
I mean, I believe my husband had his moments of ridiculousness too, but listen,
we I started an argument while talking about a freaking rainbow.
Who does that?! (Me, that’s who.)
And I just had to keep on about it.
I am still learning how to love myself even when I find that I slip back into old patterns and behaviors, and sometimes it can be difficult for me. (My old habits run off of perfectionistic tendencies, but I have to say, I’m getting much better these days!)
My husband and I were talking about a rainbow that my mom saw this morning.
She asked if I saw it.
I said “No.”
So she decided to send me a photo of it.
Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous.
The thing is, is that I got frustrated at my husband. We were talking about how my mom had sent me photo and I had to repeat something that he must’ve missed, or didn’t hear. Not a big deal really.
But my immediate brain response made it a big deal:
“Oh no! You weren’t heard! What you have to say doesn’t mean anything to him! You’re not important! He doesn’t care about you!”
So, my voice changed to a more sarcastic tone, and I repeated myself. Then I told him “I don’t feel heard.”
He walks away.
Okay, sure, whatever, maybe he needed space. Maybe he didn’t care. Who am I to know what goes through that brain of his? He just woke up anyway.
But my second-layer brain response decided to take that action (him walking away) and to apply meaning to it:
“Oh no! He doesn’t love you! He doesn’t even LIKE you anymore! He’s abandoning you! There’s no harmony! You can’t take that! Go find harmony! Your life depends on it!”
So I did. I went in search of that harmony…
And oh, did I get everything BUT harmony!!!
And the more the conversation escalated, the more hurt I felt, the more emotional I became, the more walled up he became, and it was just a mess.
Purely a mess, I tell ya. (And I thought we were over these silly disputes already..?)
Always a work in progress is correct.
And it reminds me of how our egos have a TON to tell us about “what’s next in line to be loved,” as Matt Kahn would say.
I found out MANY things about myself.
And although I would absolutely LOVE to point the finger and say all of the things I notice in HIM that HE could’ve done better, I can find changeable areas in myself first, heal those first, and then see if things like this silly argument happen again in the future.
So. What has Brittany learned today about herself today?
Well basically, everything I learned about myself that I am still ‘growing to love’ is purely universal. Meaning, we humans, collectively, have these 3 basic human needs:
1. Brittany wants to BE LOVED.
Like, this extreme need in difficult situations for others OUTSIDE of myself, the external, to show up as love in the form of smiles, hugs and “I love you’s.” Kisses are great too! 🙂 (I went outside and offered that up to myself directly after the fight, but I could’ve gone to that place sooner. I think it would’ve prevented the suffering I created for myself during the argument.)
2. Brittany wants to feel UNDERSTOOD.
I want people to see where I’m coming from, to understand WHY I feel the way I do, and to honor me in that space. (Again, I did this for myself, but sooner could’ve made me feel better for sure!)
3. Brittany wants to FEEL CONNECTED.
I feel a total disconnect with my husband when we are in disagreement. He walls up, and I fall apart.
I’d imagine it’s quite hilarious to watch! Haha 😉
But in the moment, everything feels SO. DAMN. CRUCIAL! I literally feel like there is a crisis in my body when I don’t FEEL connected to the other person.
And to myself.
Like Matt Kahn talks about in his book, Whatever Arises, Love That, it is when we abandon OURSELVES, that we feel abandoned. Although it would be nice to blame other people, our ‘problems’ never have anything to do with anyone else.
I never wish to abandon myself again.
So after multiple hours of tears, I mean literally hours straight tear rivers… And 5 hours AFTER the fight, I am moving through this.
I’ve been doing the work, psycho-analyzing myself, getting inspired and cultivating that feeling of POWER in my body, that feeling of STRENGTH in my mind, like I CAN be good to myself. I CAN be GREAT to myself!
And through healing myself, I can then help to heal others and be GREAT to others as well. 🙂
That, it’s not the end of the world because I slipped up today. (That’s a huge one. Because, perfectionism.)
That these moments are simply another lesson, aiding me in my journey to becoming MORE. Because it all really is a choice.
I wish to be empowered through this to become better, and not settle for playing victim like my old habit would, saying to myself:
“Yep. This is all there is. I’ll never be happy. My husband and I will never get along. We ALWAYS fight. I give up. I’m stuck with this asshole forever.”
Haha! Because it’s just NOT TRUE.
I always have a choice. WE always have a choice.
And I choose happiness. I choose freedom. And most of all, I choose LOVE. ❤
I love you all so so very much! And I am feeling so much lighter by sharing what is on my heart with you in this moment.
Thank you for being here with me and for being a light in my darkness.
You are wonderful.
P.S. Here's the picture of "that freaking RAINBOW!!" Haha! 🙂
P.P.S Oh, and sorry babe. I love you ❤