The paradox of “seeking”

It is in the seeking of intangible things that I lose myself.

I lose that which was sought after, before the search ever began. And what I’m learning, is this:

“It is only until the seeker within me rests, that I am capable of finding all that I search for.”
——-
What do I search for, you may ask?

I search for peace. All I ever want is peace.

Peace: The greatest surrender of all, simplicity from within.

That feeling inside that is calm. No anxiety. No tension. No fight.

Peace.

That feeling you get when you breathe your deepest breath. All is at ease.

Your heart is light, and all feels right in the world.

Peace.

I go in search for it, but to no avail.

Because it is in the search for that which we seek, that destroys all that we search for, before we are capable of finding it.

And overtime, I’ve found that the peace I seek can only be found in surrender. The surrender of everything, of all.

To God. To life. To all that “is.”

I write upon these pages with the utmost peace in my heart, my body and my mind.

No seeking is required.

It is our truest nature.

It is found in the “un-search.”

It is found in just being.

I’m always seeking to find.

And what I’ve found, is there be no need for seeking at all.

I love you, ❤ B.

The freaking rainbow..

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Soooo today I was ridiculous.

I mean, I believe my husband had his moments of ridiculousness too, but listen, we I started an argument while talking about a freaking rainbow.

Who does that?! (Me, that’s who.)

And I just had to keep on about it.

I am still learning how to love myself even when I find that I slip back into old patterns and behaviors, and sometimes it can be difficult for me. (My old habits run off of perfectionistic tendencies, but I have to say, I’m getting much better these days!)

So.

The story:

My husband and I were talking about a rainbow that my mom saw this morning.

She asked if I saw it.

I said “No.”

So she decided to send me a photo of it.

Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous.

The thing is, is that I got frustrated at my husband. We were talking about how my mom had sent me photo and I had to repeat something that he must’ve missed, or didn’t hear. Not a big deal really.

But my immediate brain response made it a big deal:

“Oh no! You weren’t heard! What you have to say doesn’t mean anything to him! You’re not important! He doesn’t care about you!”

So, my voice changed to a more sarcastic tone, and I repeated myself. Then I told him “I don’t feel heard.”

He walks away.

Okay, sure, whatever, maybe he needed space. Maybe he didn’t care. Who am I to know what goes through that brain of his? He just woke up anyway.

But my second-layer brain response decided to take that action (him walking away) and to apply meaning to it:

“Oh no! He doesn’t love you! He doesn’t even LIKE you anymore! He’s abandoning you! There’s no harmony! You can’t take that! Go find harmony! Your life depends on it!”

So I did. I went in search of that harmony…

And oh, did I get everything BUT harmony!!!

And the more the conversation escalated, the more hurt I felt, the more emotional I became, the more walled up he became, and it was just a mess.

Purely a mess, I tell ya. (And I thought we were over these silly disputes already..?)

Always a work in progress is correct.

And it reminds me of how our egos have a TON to tell us about “what’s next in line to be loved,” as Matt Kahn would say.

I found out MANY things about myself.

And although I would absolutely LOVE to point the finger and say all of the things I notice in HIM that HE could’ve done better, I can find changeable areas in myself first, heal those first, and then see if things like this silly argument happen again in the future.

So. What has Brittany learned today about herself today?

Well basically, everything I learned about myself that I am still ‘growing to love’ is purely universal. Meaning, we humans, collectively, have these 3 basic human needs:

1. Brittany wants to BE LOVED.

Like, this extreme need in difficult situations for others OUTSIDE of myself, the external, to show up as love in the form of smiles, hugs and “I love you’s.” Kisses are great too! 🙂 (I went outside and offered that up to myself directly after the fight, but I could’ve gone to that place sooner. I think it would’ve prevented the suffering I created for myself during the argument.)

2. Brittany wants to feel UNDERSTOOD.

I want people to see where I’m coming from, to understand WHY I feel the way I do, and to honor me in that space. (Again, I did this for myself, but sooner could’ve made me feel better for sure!)

3. Brittany wants to FEEL CONNECTED.

I feel a total disconnect with my husband when we are in disagreement. He walls up, and I fall apart.

I’d imagine it’s quite hilarious to watch! Haha 😉

But in the moment, everything feels SO. DAMN. CRUCIAL! I literally feel like there is a crisis in my body when I don’t FEEL connected to the other person.

And to myself.

Like Matt Kahn talks about in his book, Whatever Arises, Love That, it is when we abandon OURSELVES, that we feel abandoned. Although it would be nice to blame other people, our ‘problems’ never have anything to do with anyone else.

I never wish to abandon myself again.

So after multiple hours of tears, I mean literally hours straight tear rivers… And 5 hours AFTER the fight, I am moving through this.

I’ve been doing the work, psycho-analyzing myself, getting inspired and cultivating that feeling of POWER in my body, that feeling of STRENGTH in my mind, like I CAN be good to myself. I CAN be GREAT to myself!

And through healing myself, I can then help to heal others and be GREAT to others as well. 🙂

That, it’s not the end of the world because I slipped up today. (That’s a huge one. Because, perfectionism.)

That these moments are simply another lesson, aiding me in my journey to becoming MORE. Because it all really is a choice.

I wish to be empowered through this to become better, and not settle for playing victim like my old habit would, saying to myself:

“Yep. This is all there is. I’ll never be happy. My husband and I will never get along. We ALWAYS fight. I give up. I’m stuck with this asshole forever.”

Haha! Because it’s just NOT TRUE.

I always have a choice. WE always have a choice.

And I choose happiness. I choose freedom. And most of all, I choose LOVE.

I love you all so so very much! And I am feeling so much lighter by sharing what is on my heart with you in this moment.

Thank you for being here with me and for being a light in my darkness.

You are wonderful.

XOXO,
❤ Brittany

P.S. Here's the picture of "that freaking RAINBOW!!" Haha! 🙂

P.P.S Oh, and sorry babe. I love you ❤

Just keep moving

It was literally the difference between life and death.

You see, I went for a bike ride.

Gorgeous morning, cool breeze, slight humidity in the air. The sun peaking through the clouds.

One girl. One bike. One trail.

So I’m riding. Wind in my hair, sunshine glistens on my cheeks.

I stumble upon something…

A pool of water. Just sitting there. No movement. No life.

Stagnant. Dirty. Decaying.

A foul odor permeated the air. I couldn’t help but wince.

“Peddle faster.”

So I did.

Another few bends in the road, a beautiful trail among tall trees.

Mostly deciduous. Dancing with the breeze.

Wildlife buzzing through the air. Rustling through the leaves. Magic everywhere.

A tiny concrete bridge, over a tiny flowing brooke.

Ahh… the sound of trickling water.

Soothing, calming.

Fresh air surrounds me. Life abounding.

The MOVEMENT. The flow of the water gliding over the rocks and stones and pebbles.

And it reminded me of this beautiful life. The one that can be as magical as we wish it to be. The one we have (almost) complete control over the outcomes. (At least our perspectives and the meanings we attach to them.)

The choices we choose to make, and the feelings we allow to linger and stay.

And I was reminded of how life is such an ebb and flow.

How we find ourselves in circumstance and opposition, in happiness and joy and love. And if we can just keep moving, everything has the chance to flow evermore gracefully.

We can be so much more radiant. So full of life. And light.

And ultimately, it is WE who get to choose to grow or regress.

To become stronger. Or wiser.

Perhaps we’ll simply settle for a weaker existence. Maybe we’ll dull out.

————–

And if we can learn anything from nature it is the art of flow.

I’m an avid student of life. I learn as I go.

And whatever pain experienced, finding the surprises in the outcomes. Like little lessons tucked away just waiting for me to open them.

So my question is this: What lesson is life offering up to us right now? And how can we master the art of flow in our lives so that we can live it ever more gracefully? More gently?

I love you. You are absolutely wonderful. And beautiful beyond measure.

What’s your soul crying out for today?

—————
So, I went on this bike ride…

and it turned into this poem.

I love you forever,
❤ B

P.S. See what I did there? Forever truly is a long time. But then again, time is merely a feeling. Muah ❤

The art of life

The art of life is love, which can only be found in the stripping away of false things. Love is the innate nature within all of us. It is the process of letting go.

Letting go of the hurt, jealousy, comparison, and self-hate. Letting go of the outdated thought patterns no longer serving us. The pains, frustrations, anger and resentment we harbor deep within our souls.

And once we understand this, when we truly understand that the source of love comes from within, it is then possible to master it. To master the art of love, starting with ourselves.

That’s when the real magic happens.

That’s when we say “I do” to the dance. When we can start living IN the game of life, instead of watching from the sidelines – just waiting to be chosen.

So what if I told you that the magic of life isn’t found in the seeking and finding, but rather quite the opposite?

Because it’s true.

True living happens when we become more present with ourselves and what’s going on around us. It happens when we give more than we take. It’s in the smiles and the laughter. In the tears that tell stories. In the hugs and the highfives.

So what I want to tell myself right now is this:

“Stop waiting.”

Stop waiting for love to find YOU, and give it to others instead.

Stop waiting to open your heart. It may feel uncomfortable, but it is in the discomfort and pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone where you’ll find true progress.

And healing.

And love.

———-

That’s it.

Stop with the waiting.

Start being a REAL player in your own life.

Let go. Let love. And just dance.

I love you more than chocolate,
❤ Brittany

———-
P.S. Notice I said more than chocolate. Now that’s sayin’ a lot!

P.P.S. Isn’t that a freaking INCREDIBLE photo?! If you want more, check out my dear friend Cailin Way’s photography page here! 🙂

From breakdown to breakthrough

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Here I am again.

On the brink of another breakthrough.

Growing and learning and breaking down.

Hard.

And it’s terrifying.

And exciting.

The realization that INFINITY exists, and to even slightly begin to wrap our minds around it begins a process of true bliss that we can’t really stop. That we would never wish to stop. When we come to realize that we create our own limitations. That literally ANYTHING we want truly DOES exist and can become a part of our daily lives if we just BELIEVE.

Ohh how I have been in a constant state of thinking, over-thinking, analyzing EVERYTHING down to the tiniest particle. Going through the breakdowns, the breakthroughs. Helping and healing myself. And in turn others.

My entire perspective on life constantly evolving. Changing with every moment that I interact with the world around me. Within me.

Recognizing that we are all one in the same. We are spirit.

And all we truly need IS love. To love, and to be loved. To speak with love. Act with love.

Intentions.

Recognising just how MUCH time we spend in our ego, and how much more life has to offer us when we live in spirit. When we speak from our hearts instead of our heads. When we become vulnerable enough to have the ability to connect with others around us in such a way that we feel love in the deepest capacity.

Love is in everything we do. I see love all around me.

In the eyes of strangers. In the laughter of a child at play. In the plate of food that will nourish my body. In nature. A tree. A flower. A stream trickling over rocks through parks and farms and plains.

I see love when I close my eyes. I see it in my dreams.

And I feel it in a moment of bliss. When the wind blows past my cheeks. In a delicate kiss.

What is love then you ask?

Love is you.

Love is me.

I love you to infinity,
❤ B

Coming back to love

When I come back to a place of love, I don’t feel empty any longer.

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I was just thinking about life.. like I normally do. Deeply analyzing why I’m doing what I’m doing, why I have certain thoughts, why I believe what I believe, and how I’m forming decisions.

Trying to define myself all the while…that’s how I feel secure in life..to have this “role” I define myself by, whether it be job title or family title…but eventually THAT feels constricting because now I’ve placed myself into a box. Limitations creep in and I feel suffocated.

All of this can be quite energy depleting, not to mention overwhelming when I keep it all to myself. Hold it all in.

So I was reading a Wayne Dyer email I received (his family is still sending them out..how amazing is that?!) And the words he wrote were perfect for me to hear at just this exact moment. Something struck a chord in me.

I started balling! In fact, my cheeks are still wet as I write this..

I kept trying to “figure out” who I am in the eyes of others. I know myself, but how does the world see me? My family, my friends, my coworkers, strangers…

How am I showing up on the outside? I know how I’m feeling on the INSIDE…

Are my actions and decisions frowned upon? Should I go after a “soul-calling” to travel and experience the world without “security” of a job? Or should I just stay in one location for the rest of my life to suit everyone else? To hold on to the security of the job? To make others happy…and then maybe I will be too?

And the “conclusive question” I came to is this.. does it even matter?

Who cares what other people think?

Either way, people will think what they want to. Period.

There’s no changing that. I could try to manipulate people into thinking one way or another…but honestly, that’s a whole lot of work for something that truly doesn’t matter.

The real question is…”What do I think?”

That’s more true for me.

I know myself better than anyone else. Sometimes I don’t see things in myself and others help me to see aspects of my personality that I am blinded by..but my truest nature? I KNOW down to my BONES my truest nature.

And that is one of love.

Wayne Dyer is an amazing being.

Here are 2 little excerpts that I’ll leave you with today that totally rocked my world..

“Remove labels attached to your life. Make an attempt to describe yourself without using any labels. Write a few paragraphs in which you do not mention your age, sex, position, title, accomplishments, possessions, experiences, heritage or geographic data. Simple write a statement about who you are, independent of all appearances.

Cultivate your calling. Make an attempt to shift your career objective from self-absorption to a calling. That’s right, a calling. Remind yourself that this is an intelligent system and that you are here to be love and have love by serving. Use your talents and special interests to fulfill your service with your calling. Your life work will take on a dramatic shift toward abundance, and you will feel on purpose and on the path of the sacred quest.””

— Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Just. Be. YOU.

That is all God asks. That is all the universe asks.

We are all beings of light and love. Go and be that. Today.

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I love you,
❤ Brittany

How rich is YOUR life?

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Life is continually reminding me to take a closer look to the present moments I find myself in. Whether “doing another chore” or “just another day at work,” I’m learning that I can find the love and the beauty and the pure, innocent joy of being within it.

And when we think about it, that’s all we really DO have, are multiple, tiny moments all consecutively pieced together to create our reality we call “life.”

But have you ever thought for a second what would happen if you were to just live fully in each of the tiny moments?

To not be in such a hurry to rush off to the next one…to just fully embody the moment, noticing just how rich and full it really can be?

Something as simple as sitting under this willow tree I find myself under right now can become a truly rewarding, and life-giving experience.

Finding life in the unseemly of places..

Trust me. Just try it out in this moment now! Or the next.

Notice what thoughts or feelings or activities you may be resisting or not looking forward to.

Let it go..

And indulge in the delicacy of the moment that life has to offer you.

Not in the next 5 minutes, but RIGHT NOW.

What can you learn?
What can you notice?
What can you GIVE?

I love you.

My heart is SO full right now..

Full of gratitude.

Full of light.

But most of all..full of LOVE.

❤ B

P.S. You’ll notice that the more present you become, the deeply felt joy there is to find.

#livefully

The Present..it’s a gift.

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I was never taught, growing up, about being present. About truly living in the moment. My head was generally up in the clouds somewhere looking to the future. Looking forward to my next ice cream bar, or my next chance at going swimming at the local pool.

It would seem that we are naturally born with this gift, (of being present in the now), but it seems that as we age things change. We learn new things. New ways of thinking. We learn to get stuck in the past, or anxiously await the future and what it has to hold.

For me personally in my adult life, the past had become a sad and dark place. Full of guilt and regret. Full of stories. I would tell myself stories of how I was maltreated in relationships with men. I’d play victim. I’d allow my past to define me as a person.

Who I am.

Who others are.

Assuming all the while that because of past behaviors, people were who they are. And things would never change. They’d be that way forever.

I’d play a story in my mind about my future. I’d say things like, “I can’t.” “I’m not good enough.” Defeating myself before I even began. Defeating myself before puting effort into something I desperately wanted to achieve.

Being present has never been easy for me, and I’m continuously training myself with each day, bringing myself back. Back to reality. Back to myself. In this moment.

“Who am I in this moment right now?”

Presence in life is precious. It’s a gift. That’s why they all it the present. It’s where all the real-time action takes place. The excitement. The misery. The inbetweens. The confusion. All equally important and necessary for living a well-balanced life.

The present is the most important place you could be at any given time. And there are tons of benefits to being fully present. Throughout your day. And in your life.

#1. You can truly listen.

I’s a well-known fact that we all love to be heard. During conversations with others, it’s quite obvious when someone is truly listening to what you have to say and responding–vs–when someone is in their own head, with their own agenda, just waiting for you to close your mouth. They can’t wait just tell you what’s in their mind!

Some people like to just brain-dump on people randomly in conversations instead of keeping engaged in the subject at hand, listening, and responding to what’s happening. Right then. In the moment.

You might find that by becoming more present in life that people will actually want to be around you more and really desire your presence. But you’ve gotta’ listen.

Don’t try and solve their problems. Just listen.

When you’re not in your head calculating — when you’re truly listening — magical things can happen.

This brings me to my next point, because when you’re totally present and truly listening..

#2. You build a foundation of trust.

People confide more in people who are in the moment. It’s like a natural instinct we all have or something.

They can trust, that in the future, you’ll be there. You’ll be that person to go to for guidance, for a shoulder to cry on, for a deeper connection.

When you’re not in your head, creating your own agenda, you can start to help others in a more authentic way.

You can truly be grateful for moments. For other people. For yourself.

And gratitude, as we all know, makes us feel whole. Gives us feelings of abundance.

Which leads to my last point. By being present..

#3. You gain a sense of well-being.

Your health actually improves physiologically when you’re mentally present in all your moments. You can check in to your body and how it feels.

Get a sense of what makes you feel good. What makes you feel great.

You get a good look into the effect people have on you — whether they’re a drain. Or a fountain.

Whether they’re toxic. Or whether nourish you.

You’re not stuck in the past nor the future. You’re experiencing new things. Creating new thoughts and thought patterns.

You just feel better!

You’re not stuck in the story of the past where you play victim and feel sorry for yourself. Feeling victimized for all the things that have ever happened to you.

You’re free.

No longer are you stuck in the future, telling yourself stories of how you can’t get what you want out of life. About how you can’t achieve greatness.

You’re in the present moment. So you just start doing. Start achieving.

You become yourself again. The true you.

Simple. Pure. Real.

YOU.

You’ve arrived home within yourself.

And what a gift.

Afterall, there’s no place like home.


Thank you so much for reading, friend. I am truly grateful for you.

Thank you for being present with me in this moment. It feels good, doesn’t it? 😉

I challenge you to put an effort in becoming more present in your day, and in your life.

Start today! Right now.

Bring yourself back home. Live a richer, fuller life. And just be.

With gratitude and grace,
❤ Brittany

Comments on the site are always welcome! Thanks again friends, you're amazing. ❤