Allow, process, FLOW

A quick note

Just to give you some insight into this post before you read this..

I woke up. 8am. Baby NOT serving as my alarm.

I felt a NEED, a DRIVE to get myself out of bed.

“Stream of consciousness writing”

–> that phrase popped into my head.

And so, I allowed.

This post is literally me, sitting on my couch, typing literally anything and everything coming up in my mind, one after the other. No edits except for some spelling errors.

I just

Zoned OUT
Tuned IN

and

Allowed THROUGH

and..

I hope you enjoy 🙂

❤ B

Stream of consciousness writing: Take 1

Onimonipia namonapia
Onimonipia namonapia..

Flowers
Mil cores

Lights

I am the mountain
The ground you stand upon
The grasses

Light
And fresh
And dewey

I am the planter
And the planted

I am the wind and
I am the moon

I am the wolf
Who
Cries out
Too

I am me and
I am
YOU

Pillows and blankets
Help the days to pass by

A little more quickly
And comfortable

A gleam in your eye

Who’s eye?

I used to be shy
A little girl

Oh how the years they pass by
I let out a sigh

Of relief
Of remembrance
Of gratitude
And awe

I sigh a breath
Of relief
And release

That it’s all..

Just so magnificent
In it all

Time
Time
Time

It keeps on a passin’
Us by

Don’t even have to think about it
Sometimes I cry

Deep sorrowful cries

For why does the time pass us all

So quickly?

And so slow at times
It’s all so
Contradictory

The mountain tops
Oh I gaze at them now

Oh how gorgeous
I see
I honor them
I bow

For there is reverence for
The man who lives in the sky

The universe that holds us
The spirits who guide

I believe I can fly
What an age old song

The birds

They do it

And we can too,
Let’s sing along

I’m so grateful for this boundless opportunity
To sit here and write

The dew
It melts
Into the earth
At my sight

The rains
And the winds
They come and go
As they please

As if by command
Or wishes
Or desires

The ivy
The mires

Prisons
And walls

That we live in for years
Holding firmly
To this idea

In our minds

That we somehow deserve this
The good
Bad

And so

I continue typing
And writing this
Though

My tongue
Drenched in thirst
And my body
Achy, tired

Boiling up some cinnamon tea
I smell smoke
Cigarettes
A fire

Sounds tum tum tum
And song birds sing with glee

What a beautiful
Wonderful
And gorgeous day

To wake up
This earth
To be me.

I love you
And I love me

Let’s all choose
To set ourselves

FREE.

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

P.S. My timer went off as soon as I pressed the period. chha-chinnnng!!! Time for some tea 😀 Until later my friends!

Sem Celular (without a cell phone)

A journal entry from today at the cafe in Florianópolis, Brazil where I currently reside. I deliberately left my cell phone at home, so that I could disconnect from everything, the world. So that I could be present to the moment, and see what shows up, and where it leads me.

I hope you enjoy ❤

.
.
.

It just feels….

A bit..

EMPTY.

(Sitting here, without a cell phone.)

Ooooh.

That way,
I make SPACE
For something
NEW.

I love that.

(Thoughts for the moment)

We’ve gotta love that
Which is different

After all,
We all ARE…
Already.

Be more of that which you already are…deep within.

That in itself is beautiful.
Needing nothing added to it.

We are all magnificent creations
Of God.

Creatures unique
Distinct

And for some odd reason
(to survive I suppose, survival instincts)

We spend our entire lives
trying SO HARD

Working endlessly
To be

That which we are
NOT

In order
to be

Liked
And loved,
Accepted
And approved of.

So I say again…

Be more of that which you already are,

That which you TRULY are.

And THAT
In itself
is what draws people IN…

Without us even having to
TRY
So hard.

It’s kind of like that old saying goes…

When we finally stop trying so hard
to have a thing

When we finally GIVE UP
(So to speak)

The thing that we were wanting so badly

To get,
To achieve

ARRIVES.

It literally shows up
On our doorstep
Unannounced

As a gift,
I believe.

And we get to
RECEIVE IT.

And so,
Today.

Today today today….

I BE REAL.

With who I am.

And who I am becoming.

I be

MESSY
Crazy
Deliberate
Direct.

And I invite you to do the same.

Try it on for size.

See how it feels.
See how you like it.

(I say, as I have foam on the brim of my nose, receiving odd looks from my barista and some laughter, haha)

Be the one who is reacted TO…
And I’ll be here waiting.

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

P.S. Messiness is beautiful. ❤ So do more of that, hehe 😀

When it rains..

When it rains

Allow yourself to feel the pain

When it rains

Know that
things will never be the same

And that’s okay
We wouldn’t want it any other way

When it rains

Please allow yourself to cry
To allow the teardrops fall
From your eyes

To be seen

For your thoughts
To be shared

To trust
That when you

Lean
In
Deeply

You’ll find yourself there

Please

When it rains

Tell someone
About your struggles

Allow them
IN

It feels scary I know
but
A little conversation
Can help

And you
Will be
Just fine

Trust that it’s all divine

Believe in the impossible

The magic
The mystery

When it rains

Discomfort comes
When we cannot see

But therein lies the
True beauty

When it rains

A cup of coffee
could be of help

And

A hug
From someone you love

Long
Deep
True

Love

For maybe that

could

yet
be

Another reason
Why we’re here

On this planet we call
Earth

To breathe
in
the air

When it rains

A little creativity can help

When it rains

Take a good book off the shelf

When it rains
When it rains

When.
It.
Rains.

I love you

You’re going to be okay.

And a little gladness might could help

From my heart to yours,

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

I can do it ALL “MYSELF!”

Hey there again, it’s me.

The achiever.

The “winner.”

The “can-do-it-all by MYSELF!”

And I caught her this time.

It’s so funny.

How much our egos really want that satisfaction…of doing everything..

Alone.
Independent.
Perfect.
Spectacular!
Unique, one of a kind!

And I caught that voice today.

I caught it’s subtle voice in the background again,
telling me that I couldn’t feel proud of me
Of achieving
anything I achieved

If I received help
While achieving it.

But it’s so funny how incredibly
Outside the realm of reality
That mindset,
that thought pattern
Truly is.

I wrote today in my journal.

About how,
We are villagers.

Community dwellers
Community-driven by default.

And it’s my belief
That the society I grew up in

(at least in the United States)

Has molded my perspective
In such a way
That I feel like
I’m on this journey alone

That it’s “every man for himself.”

And if I don’t get it done right, on-time, perfect and on my own
Then somehow I’m lesser of a person
Weaker
And don’t deserve to feel good
About me
Or my life as a whole.

Now, I am in no way blaming
Anyone or any thing outside of myself
For where I am today

That’s all me

I can take responsibility for my actions
Or even the lack there-of
And I am, and I do

The thing is
that

I DO have the opportunity
In this now moment
To have a change of heart
Of mind
Of perspective

That from this moment forward
I get to choose differently
More courageously
More consciously

About what it is I do
And perceive
And make things mean

I am so grateful for where I am today
I am so grateful for the woman I have become
And am becoming

And I declare that from this moment on
I get to fall in love with the process of
Asking for help
And receiving it

And making it mean
Something completely
And radically

Different
Than ever before

I get to be proud of me
For being WHO I AM
Not only for what I achieve
But who I BE
in the world

And when I ask for help
And receive it
Gratefully,

I get to make that mean
That
I am strong

That we are stronger
Together

And that I am the co-creator
Of my own life

I may not have control over everything
But of what I do
Have control over

I get to LEAD
In a way like never before

And be proud of the way
I show up in my leadership

In what I say
In what I do
In who I be
In who I am becoming

So, sure, I can do it all “MYSELF!”
This is true

But I could probably do it better
With the help of someone like
YOU.

We are unique life-forms.

and

We are ONE.

I say let’s come together
In communion
And show the world
How it’s done.

I love you.

May all of your wildest dreams come true.

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

Hard to breathe

Finding it hard to breathe
Now
In this moment

Feels as if all the worlds
Have crashed
Down

Daily
Daily I feel this

The time it’s a passin’
I can see it through her eyes

Pains I feel
The grieving
It’s a constant process
All the good times
Are here

And gone
In a flash

I know soon
Off in the distance
More moments are to come
Perhaps I’m already
In one

And yet
There is still a twinge
Of sadness
Knowing that this
Moment too
Is fading

Into the past as a new moment
now
Arrives

Breathes new air
Fresh
And cool

This autumn air
I feel now as i type on this keyboard
Brings me waves of coziness and bliss

All the while

An underlying energy of
Sadness
And pain

Because what once was
Will never be again

Sometimes
Being human
Is
Hard

A lot of times really
If we’re exiting one painful reality
Another is just upon us

Life is full of problems
To be solved
To be felt
To be experienced

They make us stronger
More courageous
Test our boundaries
Bring us empathy

It’s still difficult
To process
At times

To be with all the is-ness
Of this life

Just wanna be held

I know that the passing
Of the days
Makes them even more meaningful
In ways

So that leads me to
More boldly say
To make every moment
Of every day
Count
And matter

It’s the only way

To move through this life
Live with no regrets
To always do what’s right
To always live our best

Our best truly is good enough
It will look different daily
This is true

So if you’re ever finding it
Hard to breathe

Keep breathing
See this moment through

It may feel tough
There will be waves
Of pain

And when we lean deeply
In it
We’ll experience
And love it all the
same

I love you.

You’re doing great.

Keep your chin up.

Be in this moment now.

Ground in.

Look around.

Smile.

The world need you now.

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

Our gift

All that was
And all that is to come
Lies here in this moment
For In this moment
we are one

All that lies before us
From the beginning
To this very day

The sun shall shine upon us
And begin to show us all
our way

In this full moon time
It’s our destiny
To shine

To give away what’s yours
To help discover
What is mine

And just as the wind passes
Passes on
As it will be

It holds us all together
Connecting you
To me

May the light of sweet dear lua
Shine down upon you
This very night

For in this moment
A mystery
Spirit birt must take
His flight

But make no mistake
This mystery
Of all that is to behold

Helps you and I to discover
All that glitters is not
Gold

For the truest energy
Is our essence
Woven into the patterns
That lie

Here deep inside
Of our lives
The false we leave
To die

For death is the greatest mystery of them all
Death is truly
just a phase

A transition at will
When we can be still

And allow ourselves
To be truly held

In this earth home
into our heaven

This moment now
My head it shall bow
For our gift is truly the present.

Amen.

XOXO

I love you,
❤ Momma B

Hidden in the background

Hidden in the background
Of all that is
The behind-the-scenes

That once was
This now moment

More commonly known as
the past

What once was
Is now
behind

And now we look forward
Only to find

That this now moment
Is only being utilized

By us

As
The bridge to the future
Where we can get lost
Inside
Of all the thinking
There

For what lies
Ahead

And lose sight of all that’s
Right here
now
Instead.

Back to the past
Oh my
What a funny little thing

It is breathing
This second
in this moment now

The past
it’s still here
Living

Dwelling in our being
We can see it
It’s a feeling

And it’s not until
We can simply sit still
That we can sense
That it is stirring

Swirling around
Inside our bodies now
Continually
Without fail

Processing

Things come up
That feely yucky inside
Can also be called
Healing

And sometimes that healing
Feels really hard

Uncomfortable
A bit chilling

It could look
Angry or bitter
Or
Sad

Sunken in
Like a ship without sails
Drowning

In the storms
out on the sea

Churning
And tossing
And turning

The sea
Such is life
Sunny days
Oh so bright

But also

There are days
We are
Mourning

The clouds up ahead
look
So dark
Full of dread

And can feel
Like they’re too much
To deal with
At times

But if we
Just be still
And breathe deeply IN

At will

We will find that
It’s no thing
oh so scary

For it’s simply the past
Yet still
Here at last
today
In it may we discover the blessing

Of that ill and that chill
And is left to be healed

We breathe in and we feel

Life’s amazing.

.
.
.

I love you.

It’s okay to be afraid
Be brave anyway
and
remember that YOU are amazing 🙂

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

My inner Autumn

Tired
Confused
Hungry

Physically
But mentally
Too

To know

It all.

Autumn

And in it

Sadness

A sort of falling away
All that no longer is needed

Creating SPACE
To breathe
To just BE

Bringing on
A feeling
a sense
of

Emptiness

That fills me

Leaves me feeling
Open
And
Bare

Needing to feel held now
And whole
And filled

Back up
While the moment’s
Still

I feel tired
I feel blue
I also feel a sense

Of happiness
Too

Deep peace
Radiant pleasure

All that there may be

Beginning anew in this life
Flowing FREE

I love you.

May you feel full and whole and loved and held
in this shaky wild world
We call home.

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

Motherhood: So many emotions, so many tears

I literally don’t even know where to start.

I suppose from the beginning..

Yeah that sounds about right,

Okay.

Here goes.

 

So, as soon as I discovered I was pregnant, I could hardly believe it.

I was in total shock, so excited, so “whelmed”, a little scared shitless not knowing what to do, and at the same time a little (REALLY if I’m being completely honest) RESISTANT to the news.

I knew I’d been wanting change in my life, but of THIS kind?

And at THIS time?

And with all the other doubts and insecurities on my plate already, God/Source/Universe was choosing to add a little “me” into the mix??

LIke I said before,

I could hardly believe it.

Now, almost a year and three months after the birth of a beautiful baby girl, I am filled YET with so many emotions.

My baby is GROWING.

Multiple times A DAY I can see the tiny differences.

She’s starting to talk, saying REAL WORDS like “shoes” and “abacate” (portuguese for avocado 😀 )

She is UNDERSTANDING…
more and more
and even MORE about this now familiar,
once strange,
new world.

I burst into tears this morning.

I just couldn’t believe it…

AGAIN.

The changes.

The transformations.

The differences I am now seeing
as the days keep passing.

There is incredible JOY I find
in watching her grow
through all the phases

AND..

SO.
MUCH.
GRIEVING..

Of the little girl she was
just yesterday.

Once was still
And now is at play

I feel panic at times
A sense of loss.

Fumbling to find the right words
To fit the phrases just so

And..

Such is life, yeah?

The yin and the yang.

The highs and the lows.
The BIG and the small

Reality

That we all know.

And having a baby through it all?

Brings my life into more vivid context

Vivid form.

That which seems so complicated
Is actually far more simple

Incomprehensibly so

Life on all levels

Is

Motherhood.

Being a parent in this world,

We see the time passing by
Through our child’s eyes

We rediscover who we are
Deep down

And at the same time
Remember

That which is actually
important
For us all

Moving forward
in our lives

For life
is a rollercoaster ride

It goes UP

And side
To side

We go crazayyyy
And hold TIGHT

And along the way
A lot of things come up

Emotions to be honored
To be seen
To be accepted

In order
To
Be processed
Though

So that we may feel a bit lighter
More complete
And grounded
In our being.

So this motherhood thang?

Yeah,
It’s royally kicking me right now…

In all the best of ways.

I find and discover
new
and hidden parts
of me
that once were

And are becoming

And I’m sort of really

Loving it.

Sure, there are times of GREAT INTENSITY…
The pains
The lack of sleep
The annoyances
Miscommunications
Irritability
RAGE
Deep sorrow
And sadness
Grieving over days that are long passed

The discomforts
And pleasures of course

But it never fails
That I feel
Some sort of deep deep
GLADNESS

For GETTING to be able to
Be HONORED to
Care for
And experience deeply
A beautiful baby girl
Named Soraya Grace

For this is the true journey
Finding our place
Among the chaos of life
Coming back
To ourselves
And discovering who we are
Once again.

So many emotions
So many tears
And I wouldn’t trade it for the world
Let’s bring on many more years..

I love you.

So much.

Never forget truly how special you are.

You were once that little babe
Still are
For you’re a STAR.

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

One step at a time

Figuring it all out…
One step at a time

Feeling so stinking impatient
Just want all that’s here to be mine

“All in due time”
I hear
That’s fine

But I still want it all
And I want it to be MINE.

 

I noticed something about myself today

How I really really really really reeeeeallyy like to be
RIGHT
All the time.

My perfectionist kicks in
I feel nervous, anxious, pressured
To not mess up

To get it all right
To make it all fine

I get so obsessive
Over the silliest of things
And wanting control
To control
It all

In an act of self-preservation
I suppose
So that I don’t loose validation
Or acceptance or love

And of love
I somehow had learned
Way back when
That love was something to be earned
And could be taken
At any time

I made some connection
Somewhere back then
That if I were to make a mistake
Love could just go away

Leaving me with guilt
And shame
And blame
For hurting another
By simply learning how
To play the game

Of life of course

And it seems so silly now in my conscious
Space
Of awareness
And being-ness

But in the moment
Nerves get triggered
Sparks start to fly

Sometimes we feel like running
At others just wanna
Hide

Or scream and yell and
Cry

Life is here now.
It continues passing on by.

And I breathe in so deeply
Taking it one step at a time.

XOXO

I love you,
❤ Momma B

(photo taken on a tiny “rua” in Florianopolis, Brazil)