I just feel tired…and love is all there is

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I just feel tired.

Tired of the nonsense
Tired of the noise
Tired of the incessant mental chatter

Of all that could have been
Could be
Once was
Should be..

My body feels achy
Achy from all the healing

Healing hurts sometimes

It feels good in some moments
We begin to feel freer
Lighter
More well-rounded
Centered
Whole.

My heart beats in my chest.
I feel grateful.

My chest constricts
With anxiety

My belly burns
With the fires
From below

Rising up
In form of anger

The insecurities
The confusion
The lack of willingness
To accept things

They way that they IS..

Yeah, I know life won’t always be like this
I know I technically used the wrong verb there

But this is my story
And so my story goes

I feel.

So much.

ALL. the FREAKING. TIME.

Every ounce of my beingness
Is an emotion

Life. is. Emotion.

It all feels so fragile at times

At other times strong.
Brave.
Courageous.
Never-ending.

There is such MAGIC here to experience!
To explore.

And right now,
As I draw in my deepest breath
Glancing around
Out my windows

Watching the sun dance among the
Trees.

The wind
And the birds
And the bees

(literally)

The elegance
The art
The nature
The flow
Of the universe
This world
This one-ness of all that
Is

The dogs that bark,
The tree that stands
Tall
In the ground beneath
It

The sound of the gardener
Doing his work
Lawn mowers
And weed-eaters
Blowers
And more..

The sound of the chitter chatter of my
Lover
My friend
My sitter
My daughter

Em baixo
Beneath me.

Portuguese language
Filling my home
My head
My heart.

These are the days of our lives.

Each moment eases into the next
Until we wake up one morning
One moment
And realize that so much
Has passed

And yet
So much is here
Still
To be

And the future
Well
Who knows when that’ll ever get here?
Arrive

To arrive.
At life.

What does that even mean?

Perhaps it means this moment.
For life is all that is.

Right here.
Under our nose.

Our breath
Our life

Our hearts beating without us telling them
To

So much out of our control
Yet others

Not
So
Much

Life keeps on a passin’
Are we passin’ along
With it?

Arriving here
In this now moment

For the now is all there ever IS…

Listening.
Breathing.

Feeling.

Experiencing.

Being.

I hear the sound of my daughter’s voice
The music of some show turned on
I feel the breeze brush my arm, my legs, my cheek.

Breath fills my lungs
Breathing in fully now

Dialing into this moment
Ever so clearly now

Now
Now
Now
Now
Now

…and love is all there is.

Amen.

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

Accepting what is: A journal entry

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A journal entry I name this, and a journal entry it shall be ❤

I don’t know what the future may hold.

I never imagined that I’d end up here…living in Brazil, with a baby girl who just turned one recently, with a husband who loves me no matter what and continues to surprise me daily as to how far his love stretches for me. His devotion. His do-ing-ness and his be-ing-ness.

I’m currently in a phase of accepting what is.

And every time I resist the reality of my body hurting, my foot pain, my stomach muscles aching simply by existing and needing to ask for help and in receiving help on almost every level imaginable (financial, physical, emotional and spiritual…)

I. Feel. Defeated.

It’s one of the worst feelings in the world…to feel helpless. Like you can’t do ANYTHING by yourself.

Like, that pride?

Yeah….

It’s gotta go out the window.

Or in the words of Titus Andromadon…”It’s time to GO GIRL!”

I wanna feel capable. I wanna do things on my own.

It makes me feel like I CAN. I AM ABLE. I AM SUCCESSFUL. I CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TO. I CAN HAVE ANYTHING I WANT.

And for now, this phase is here to teach me.

A lot.

And I’m practicing allowing it.

All to unfold in the timing and way and manner in which it needs to.

Life keeps on life-ing.

And so it does. And so it will.

And for now, I must simply be STILL. And allow the WILL of the Universe, of God

to guide me.

To hold me. To HEAL ME.

Gonna go rest now.

Feeling the call…

Of the couch.

Close my eyes and rest.

For another moment while I still can.

As I receive the help from my sitter Duda…and the help of a cushion.

Haha.

I love you.

Muah,
❤ Momma B

Ter paciência

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Patience, patience, patience.

Breath, breath, breath.


Focus, focus, focus.

Healing still remains.


Rest, rest, rest.


My body still needs rest.


The itch to go and

do, do, do

I fight with every step.


Music, healing music

Harmonies 

Fill the air


Go outside

And ah, fresh breath

Can breathe without a care.


Who is out there?

What is this all for?


Does it even truly matter

If in a moment

It could all be gone?

Emotions toss up

They turn all about

Learning to lean in with a lot of grace

Tossing and turning

About in this life

To figure out, what is my place?

Tuning in

And turning on

To all that there is to know

And experience

About myself and

that of life

It all can be quite confusing at times

And for that

We have the light

For the light, it shows

The truth

Which now grows

Into all that was and is becoming

For is there life out there?

We may never know

Until then

We’ll just have to be 

…patient.

XOXO,
❤ Momma B

Trapped in the past

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I got trapped up this morning..

in the past

Pictures in my little black box
of life
Otherwise known as
MY PHONE

And it’s funny how our minds can play tricks on us
sometimes

Or rather
quite a lot

You see,
We’re drawn to capture the good stuff
The highlights of our lives

Rarely do we have captured
all moments of
Stress
of tears
Frustration
Neglect
Or pain

But we experience these emotions.

Yet when we look back,
It’s as if our minds play tricks on us

The past looks like a dream
you know what I mean

Instagram and Facebook
Pictures hung on the walls

Moments locked in time
time’s the greatest mystery of all

And when we’re feeling hopeless
or feeling blue
and decide to take a look back
at time once passed..

It’s as if we believe the illusions placed
right in front of us

That the best days
are
BEHIND us

The good ol’ days..
as they say

When in reality,
we’ll look back years later
to THIS VERY MOMENT

and believe just the same.

So, what about
just for a moment
we took a chance
to believe
that

We ARE
in fact
IN the good ol’ days
now

THIS VERY MOMENT..?

How much different could our lives truly be?

If we walked
and talked
and truly LIVED
like we’re actually EXCITED
to be alive?

Not everyone has the luxury..

Don’t you realize
Just how lucky you really ARE?

Yeah
it’s easy to forget
I get it completely

Which is why
while I’m writing this for YOU
I’m really writing this
For ME

I spend so much of my life looking OUTwards
at every one else’s lives

Wishing
and fantasizing
like

“If only I had THAT life, how much more amazing could MY LIFE really be..?”

Comparison

The joy killer of all things
gorgeous
and beautiful

While we’re wishing away at someone else’s life
They’re secretly wishing desperately for ours..

While we’re looking BACK
thinking the magic
in it all

is now gone
and lost forever,

We’re missing out
on the giant life
lying just before us

It’s a funny funny world
we’re living in

And all I can say
in this moment
would be:

“Be here now.”

Simply.

Place your focus towards all that you DO have
Right now
in this very moment

You’re doing amazing

There’s no need for you to “make certain”
by going online
to check and see

what everyone else is up to
what everyone else is doing

Learn to
TRUST YOURSELF child

You’re wiser than you even know

There’s a guidance system built
inside you
listen.

And find a way to walk confidently
with the knowledge that this moment
Right here and now

Is a memory worth remembering too.

I love you,
You’re amazing.

Keep going,
you’re doing an incredible job

Simply listen,
Be here now
Find your focus
And smile

knowing that humble
little secret
that

The best is yet to come..

Kisses and hugs,
💜 Brittany

#realtalk #reallife #beherenow #timeisanillusion #letsdothis #together

The paradox of “seeking”

It is in the seeking of intangible things that I lose myself.

I lose that which was sought after, before the search ever began. And what I’m learning, is this:

“It is only until the seeker within me rests, that I am capable of finding all that I search for.”
——-
What do I search for, you may ask?

I search for peace. All I ever want is peace.

Peace: The greatest surrender of all, simplicity from within.

That feeling inside that is calm. No anxiety. No tension. No fight.

Peace.

That feeling you get when you breathe your deepest breath. All is at ease.

Your heart is light, and all feels right in the world.

Peace.

I go in search for it, but to no avail.

Because it is in the search for that which we seek, that destroys all that we search for, before we are capable of finding it.

And overtime, I’ve found that the peace I seek can only be found in surrender. The surrender of everything, of all.

To God. To life. To all that “is.”

I write upon these pages with the utmost peace in my heart, my body and my mind.

No seeking is required.

It is our truest nature.

It is found in the “un-search.”

It is found in just being.

I’m always seeking to find.

And what I’ve found, is there be no need for seeking at all.

I love you, ❤ B.

Fear


Again it is so..

I sit here to write.

My chest, heavy.

Tight.

Tension running through my veins.

Evening closing in now, and that hyper-analytical brain of mine now moves into over-drive.

Assessing all of the day’s events that could’ve had such an effect on me.

To cause such pain in my body.

And then I realize something.

These weighted feelings in my chest, residing deep within my soul are none other than the by-product of..

FEAR.

And a fear of what you might ask?

The fear of what is to come.

Fear of the future. Fear that I won’t be successful, crippled by my own insecurities. Fear that I won’t have what it takes to handle all that comes my way.

Fear of lacking money in life, especially on upcoming travels and a fear of missing out on truly living. Fear I’m too intensely focused on being successful, “becoming a success.”

Fear I’ll miss out on what’s really important in this life. Which consists of many things including joy, life, bliss, feeling the unconditional love that resides in all things.

Fear that while I’m alive in this human form that I’ll miss out on living life to the fullest, feeling fulfilled.

A great fear that somehow “

I’m doing life wrong.”

But that leads me to ask the question, “What does living life right look like?”

And does it even exist?

These are things I contemplate during my day.

Sometimes I get so deeply entrapped within the prison of my mind that I fear I’ll never make it out alive.

That I’ll never find happiness again.

But once more, I stumble upon this blank canvas. Filled with possibility.

The tools I need to move out of imprisonment, and into freedom.

These keys.

To type.

These simple words.

And I place them on the blank canvas.

I write to tell a story. I write to tell my story.

To put thought to paper.

It’s like magic…

All of a sudden, (like the wave of a wand), the tension I once was feeling is gone.

Vanished.

And the thoughts that were once spinning circles in my mind seem to slow down.

All is quiet now.

And as the moments pass, I feel at ease.

This is the beauty of “the outlet.” Noticing which tools work best,

and using them.

So, again I write.

I write to express, I write to tell a story, I write to release those thoughts and feelings and energies that have been stored up for far too long.

In order for that future moment in time when they will need to go on to tell their story..

To be free.

To fly.

——-

You see, fear is all in the mind.

It begins as a thought, a simple chemical reaction in our brains, that then travels from the mind, and into the body.

And when this happens, we can feel a tingly sensation, a sort of tension, a heaviness. We feel weighted down, as if gravity’s pull had just increased 10-fold.

But all that can change in a second when we realize that fear isn’t as real as we’ve believed it to be at all. It feels real, but is not.

And the only way to rid the feeling of fear, is to move through it. To become friends with it.

To find our personal tool that works for us. To get that energy flowing.

And moving.

To get it out of the mind, and out of the body once and for all.

Until the next day.

You see, Steven Pressfield taught me once that we never fully “get rid of fear.” It’s always there. It always shows up at just the right time to spoil our plans, to crash the party.

But we can never let it win. For we have greater things waiting for us upon the horizon, shining bright like the sun.

Our dreams. Our destinies.

It is only when we see fear as what it truly is, that we can truly move through it. To feel that fear, and do what we’ve set out to do anyway. No matter how difficult or hard it may seem.

So I pose the question to you, the reader, my friend: What form of “fear” is showing up in your life right now?

How can you see if for what it truly is? How can you change your perspective of that fear? Turning the negative and disempowering into courageousness and tenacity?

How will you press forward in your life, calling in those fears ever more closely? Becoming friends with them in the process, in order to conquer your dreams and live life to the fullest?

Just some things to think about. 🙂

I love you.

❤ B

P.S. I think I feel better now 😉

What are we committed to?

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Photo Credit @ Cailin Way Photography

What am I committed to? (I ask myself.)

Am I committed to my dreams, going after my destiny, achieving all I’ve set out to achieve, create, and become?

OR…

Am I committed to my story? The internal thought battle going on in my head about how “It’s not fair! I don’t have enough money! I don’t have enough time to work on my (crossing my fingers this works) business, I can’t learn how to play the guitar, I’m not cut out for this, Why me? I’m just not good enough!”

Am I more committed to DOING what I came here to do? Or am I too busy playing victim in my own life?

These are the questions I’m chewing on at the moment.

I have these desires, and dreams, and these callings from my soul that I’m meant for something GREATER than I’m currently showing up as in my daily life right now.

So, I get to have these wonderful conversations, gut-checks really, with myself. And with you.

Here goes nothing, haha!

What are we doing with our lives?

I’ll give you two scenarios:

1. Are we simply letting life pass us by, as we tell ourselves

“Maybe later. I’ll go after my dreams later. I’ll travel later. Right now’s not the best time. I’m not ready yet. I don’t know enough yet. Once I learn how to do build a website, THEN I’ll feel like I’m able to start telling people about my goal to be an entrepreneur. Once I’m older, I’ll be wiser. I’ll know more later, Once I retire I’ll do something about it. Until then, I’m okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll think about it later.”
And then life happens. And we forget. And we let go of all the amazing visions for our lives and settle for what we have now and tell ourselves that staying here forever with no upward shift or change is “good enough.”

OR

2. Are we learning about who we are, what we want, noticing the things (fears) that we allow to get in the way of us taking action, recognizing that “with every day that passes that we’re NOT taking action, (the tiny steps forward), that we are stalling in the face of the enemy…RESISTANCE?

By taking daily calculated actions toward what we want, we grow and learn about ourselves and the true nature of the world in the process. We get EXCITED to wake up each day and DO OUR WORK. The work we were meant to do.

To love fully, with our whole hearts. To find joy in each moment, whether it’s a mini dance party in our kitchen, a walk in our neighborhood, hugging the trees, lying in the sun on a hot summer’s day, taking a warm bubble bath after a hard day’s work, preparing a nourishing and heart warming meal, watching a funny show, hearing our children at play, the sound of laughter, laughing, smelling the roses as we walk by that familiar flower cart, smelling the freshly baked bread outside of the bakery around the corner.

Which scenario do we see ourselves choosing more often on a daily basis?

Do we choose

1. RESISTANCE?

Or

2. FREEDOM?

Are we noticing what we SAY we want, and what we are ACTUALLY taking action on, and DOING on a daily basis?

Do they add up?

Do we REALLY want what we say we want? Or are we fine with simply talking about it but not doing it?
Because the truth is that in every moment, we have a choice. Period.

We have a choice as to how we respond to life as it comes. How we respond to people in difficult and trying situations. We have a choice in the foods we buy at the store and put in our bodies. We have a choice in the kinds of shows we are watching, the music we listen to, the people we surround ourselves with. We have a choice as to WHO WE BECOME.

And who we are to become is born out of our actions, born of decisions, born of beliefs, which are born of our thoughts.

So what are we doing with our thoughts?

Are we committed to staying where we are, or are we committed to growth? Are we committed to telling more people about our problems, or are we committed to solving them?

Are we committed to listening to that voice that tells us to stay small?

Or

Are we committed to acknowledging that GIANT BEAST that lives within each and every one of us, utilizing it’s power to turn the seemingly impossible into POSSIBLE?

Steven Pressfield in his book The War of Art says this:

“The amateur believes he must first overcome his fear; then he can do his work. The professional knows that fear can never be overcome. He knows there is no such thing as a fearless warrior or a dread-free artist.
What henry Fonda does, after puking into the toilet in his dressing room, is to clean up and march out onstage. He’s still terrified but he forces himself forward in spite of his terror. He knows that once he gets out into the action, his fear will recede and he’ll be okay.”

And, wow! I couldn’t have said it better myself. So..in spite of fear, I ask you the question: What life do you REALLY wish to live? What legacy do you want to leave behind?

And most importantly, with these questions in mind..”What are you committed to?”

I love you so so much!! Thank you for reading. We are in this thing together! This thing called life. And all I have to say is..WE GOT THIS!! Whoohoo!!

I’ll see you at the bakery ‘round the corner.. 😉

XOXO,

❤ B.

P.S. Thank you Alexi Panos for the consistent inspiration for this post. I love you sweet soul!!